2005: Celebrity Year in Review
January 2, 2006
Happy New Year to all who've made it this far. 2005 was the year of Natural Disasters -- weather-wise as well as amazing feats of celebrity fuck-up.
We witnessed floods, hurricanes, fires, earthquakes and the
birth of a Spears-Federline child. Monumental history was made as George Bush was sworn in for another term and Mary-Kate Olsen decided to
drop out of NYU because, like, she wanted to read scripts and stuff.
These things might not seem important now, but our children's children will certainly understand the significance of the Tom DeLay
scandal and the sudden proliference of Greek Shipping Heirs with their dick inside a Hilton.
To ensure we don't forget all that made an impact this past year, I've scraped together a sampling of the primo 2005 celebrity trashtalk.
I feel as though it's most appropriate to kick off this list with the child-woman who was probably the year's biggest headline-grabbing whore.
1. Suffered from "exhaustion and dehydration." Or, in layman's terms, coke addiction and anorexia. At least this proved the implant story was false.
2. Dad Michael goes to jail for drunk driving and assault. Lindsay records Confessions of a Broken Heart, an open letter of sorts to Daddy dearest in the pokey:
Daughter to father, daughter to father
I don't know you, but I still want to
Daughter to father, daughter to father
Tell me the truth, did you ever love me
Cause these are, these are
The confessions of a broken heart, of a broken heart
Dad responds to the call-out by penning his own song to Lindsay from the slammer:
I may have been wrong for 'running away'
From problems with Mom, I didn't say.
It could have been different, I know that now
I wish I could change it, just tell me how.
This is about a thousand times worse than the Duff-Lohan lyrics war.
The Confessions of a Broken Heart video stars -- dear lord, no -- another Lohan.
Ali Lohan is Lindsay's twelve-year-old
sister. Someone brave needs to step up and do the right thing: take this girl down before she discovers how to operate her vagina.
3. Hires trainer to help her "get her boobs back". Or, in layman's terms, a plastic surgeon.
4. Crashes car, twice. Jesus -- take the coke away from her!
5. Gets implants in / implants out? Who can tell anymore?
6. Michael Keaton confesses to feeling fatherly toward her while they were filming Herbie: Fully Loaded.
Wheelchair-bound Robert Altman evidently feels the same...only in that "special" daddy-daughter kind of way.
7. Wanted to marry Jared Leto in order to "get back at" Paris Hilton for stealing Mary-Kate's Greek, Stavros Niarchos:
"She's crazy about Jared," a "friend" told Life & Style Weekly. "She says it would be great to run away, get married barefoot
on the beach and shock everybody." Another pal says that "Lindsay says she has met the man of her dreams," and adds that Leto has encouraged her to eat
healthy foods, which has helped her bring back her curvy figure. But friends are reportedly telling Lohan to take it
slowly with Leto, a notorious ladies' man who has dated Cameron Diaz, Scarlett Johansson and Ashley Olsen.
Lohan's eagerness to wed is supposedly not just because of her fondness for Leto — but also because of her ire at Paris Hilton.
"She's angry at Paris for hooking up with Mary-Kate Olsen's
ex, Stavros Niarchos," says the friend. Olsen and Lohan are buddies. "Catching a husband would be a poke in Paris' eye."
Soon after this story broke, Jared dumped her. I don't think anyone saw it coming.
8. No love for Lohan. Lindsay was "humiliated" after Brad Pitt failed to recognize her at the Mr. and Mrs. Smith premiere:
Lindsay Lohan bombarded Brad Pitt at the Mr. and Mrs. Smith premiere in Westwood on Tuesday. Brad,
practically setting a new world record for the largest amount of autographs for crying UCLA students,
scribbled his initials on t-shirts as Lindsay ran up behind him and grabbed him. She attempted a "we're
on the same star level" conversation, and his look of confusion lit a fire under his babysitter/publicist Cindy -- forcing
her to tell him who this blonde skeleton was. The puzzled look on his face as Lindsay babbled on to him was captured by
entertainment news programs. Read Cindy's lips: "It's Lindsay Lohan."
A year earlier
she was also snubbed by Jack White after he was asked to play guitar on her debut album:
White: "Somebody had the nerve to ask me if I wanted to play guitar on Lindsay Lohan's album.
"She's another one of those 16-year-old actresses, and she's making an album. Like, 'NO!'"
And he, like, totally could have fucked her. His loss.
Like purging buddy, Lindsay Lohan, Nicole has made repeated headlines for her dramatic weight loss. Big Daddy Lionel stepped up to say that
Nicole's successful "career" is the reason we can see her internal organs pushing against her stomach every time she slips into beachwear. And here I thought she'd
just been been playing "concentration camp" in her basement with DJ AM again. Imagine how stupid I felt.
The R&B legend added that he believes the stress of Nicole's expanding career is most likely the reason for her smaller frame.
"I know what's happening with her right now, she's a nervous wreck," he said. "She's like her father, you can either blow up or
you can shrink away and right now, she's just feeling a little bit of the pressures of her new business. So in this case...she will be alright."
I still haven't been able to figure out exactly what Nicole's career is. Along with her friendship to Ms. Hilton, The Simple Life ended months ago.
I guess it's pretty hard work going shuttling around The Truth About Diamonds, the book she "wrote." And all those nights out at Element and other LA Clubs certainly must take their toll. That's a lot of outfits to make decisions about...like,
God, you know. And it doesn't help that she's expected to soldier on despite the fact that her fiancé dumped her for turning into a corpse. Give the girl a break.
Britney and Kevin
I have not decided if I want Britney and Kevin to divorce or to stick it out -- for the sake of Sean Preston, of course. If Brit dumps Kev
(because you know it would never be the other way around), we won't get our daily infusion of K-Fed style raps,
cracker corn rows, repossessed Ferraris and someone who will publicly wear a "Rock Out with Your Cock Out" trucker cap. That's class with a Capital K.
Brad, Jennifer, Angelina and Benetton
Unless she becomes visibly anorexic like Lindsay and Nicole, there is nothing that will make me care about or pay attention to Jennifer Aniston. Well,
maybe if she adopts a little Mexican baby or something...but even that's pushing it.
For a time, I was pretty enthralled with this Hollywood-style love story: Gay Action Hero pays Second-Tier Actress to marry and become impregnated with "his" sperm (not in that order).
After disappearing for sixteen days during the month of April when no one
-- not even family or close friends -- knew where to find her, 26-year-old "Kate" Holmes
reemerged on the scene with her new AMAZING and EXCITING and MAGNIFICENT boyfriend. The devout Catholic quickly became a Scientologist, engaged and pregnant all within
five months of meeting the Gay Midget. Was this the future America envisioned for little Joey Potter? What does Dawson have to say about this?
Dawson: I don't want your life.
(I feel compelled to explain this reference since I couldn't find the Varisty Blues (1999) trailer clip on the web. I never saw
the movie, but I have a vivid recollection of a very fervid James Van der Beek,
dressed in his football gear, spitting out this line with a passionate Texas hillbilly accent unlike anything we'd ever seen from the likes of
Dawson Leery. James's performance in Varsity Blues was powerful. Moving. Almost good enough to score a few Lifetime Movie of the Week cameos.)
Once the Spawn of Scientology is born, Katie plans to give up acting to be a stay-at-Tom's-various-mansions-and-summer-villas Mom. Tom and Kate will
birth "their" child without drugs, music, talking or screaming. You might think the
screaming part applies only to Katie. However, as the delivery room will be the first time Tom will actually have to look at her vagina, I'd be more worried
about his potential for loud, girlish yelping. I guess he can always bite down really hard on his fist if he feels one coming on. Best of luck to the
new parent and the man who claims to be the father.
While out riding on her English countryside estate on her 47th birthday, Madge was thrown from a horse. She suffered a broken hand and collarbone,
as well as three cracked ribs. When she reemerged from the hospital, it was apparent that, in addition to being treated for her injuries, she'd
undergone sexual reassignment surgery. She's changed her Kabbalah name from "Esther" to "Zeppo."
Jude Law and Sienna Miller
Ha ha! Jude has an ugly little pee-pee!
Tara had big plans to clean up her act. She was going to put down the bottle of Southern Comfort and cover up her nipples. Then came Taradise, the
greatest show ever to air in the history of television. I thought long and hard about whether Tara managed to wrench the Drunk Trash crown away from
former E! cash cow, Anna Nicole Smith. Tara's insistence that she "doesn't party," depsite the fact that she's usually photographed with a bottle in
one hand while trying to tuck her breasts and/or genitals back into her bikini/tank top/mini skirt with the other, makes her the undeniable winner over Anna.
Anna knows better than to say she's going to cap the Demerol and hang up her strap-on.
E: So, for the record, Taradise is not about sweaty, drunk coeds screaming at the camera.
Tara: Right. It's all about the countries that we visit. We're like the detectives in a country, finding out everything we can.
So, if people go to these countries, they can know to find these great hidden treasures. And if they don't go, they feel like they've
gone there with us.
Yes, I have always pictured Tara Reid as a kind of detective. She always gets to the bottom of things...especially
after spending the night with her ass hanging out of her skirt.
Sadly, Taradise was canceled after ten episodes. Dan still cries himself to sleep over this loss.
There was terrible accident at the Wonka Factory.
After five years together, Chris Klein and Katie Holmes announced their separation this past March. Given her conversion to
Scientology and contracted accessory-status to, and spawn-chattel for, The Very Heterosexual Tom Cruise, Chris could have used this as the perfect
opportunity to build up his
public image. Then he decided to grant an interview to Elle magazine. His publicist is still crying. A few quotable highlights:
ELLE: Is there a dish that you prepare to impress women?
CK: I don't need food to impress, man. It's a flash of a smile and a nice conversation. And at the end of the day, she's cooking the food.
ELLE: Is there anything you don't want women to learn about you?
CK: Nothing. I don't have many secrets. At the same time, I stay very closed off until a woman deserves to know me completely.
ELLE: Isn't it tough for a woman to figure you out if you won't talk?
CK: Hey, man, I'm not here to hold hands and babysit. She's got to come to the table with something.
ELLE: Are you cool with it if a woman you like gains a few pounds?
CK: I'm not tolerant of that at all.
ELLE: So do you tell them to lose weight?
CK: When a woman isn't feeling good about herself and you combine that with her period, eventually she'll ask you if
you like her body. You have to say no.
ELLE: Don't you think they're just looking for you to say, "You look beautiful to me, honey"?
CK: If they do, it's placating. I don't placate.
No, he's not bitter or anything. That February '05 DUI mugshot looks pretty hot too -- best of luck, Chris!
Jake and Heath Ledger star as gay cowboys in Ang Lee's Brokeback Mountain. Ten million real-life homosexuals rejoiced.
Heidi Klum and Seal and Spawn
I thought supermodels were genetically predisposed to produce beautiful children. This has caused nightmares for months.
Tori was rescued in the nick of time after being mistakenly loaded onto a horse trailer destined for the glue factory.
The Duff Sisters...
...continue to make me want to spit up into my handbag. That's why I carry Wet-Naps.
Michael was acquitted of molesting a thirteen-year-old cancer kid. After the trial he moved his children to Bahrain where he thought he could live
in relative obscurity and record a single to benefit Hurricane Katrina. He's had these kids wearing
pseudo burkhas for years -- I imagine it was pretty easy for them to adjust to life in a Muslim country. However, moving to the Middle East hasn't stopped
the trouble for Mr. Melty Face. In addition
to being rumored to be addicted to prescription painkillers, Michael's ex-wife and the mother of Paris and Prince Michael, Debbie Rowe, has gone on record saying they
are not Michael's biological children. Shocking!
She has also filed a case claiming that Michael has kidnapped the kids by taking them to Bahrain. He is also supposedly in default of a $272 million
debt for Neverland Ranch. Is there a reason he hasn't killed himself yet?
The real Renee Zellweger has actually been deceased for five months. Until Hollywood execs can figure out how to break it to her adoring public,
she's been replaced with this convincing waxwork dummy. Kenny Chesney couldn't very well stay married to that, now could he?
Caught with coke. Flees to England.
Caught with coke. Flees to the US.
Kate Moss Part II
Kate also had a bit of topless head-bangin' fun with a fan. I'm assuming this is pre-rehab.
Nick and Jessica
Ben and Jen and Spawn
Other than her habit of leaving the house looking like this (photos courtesty of go fug yourself):
Why is this mantis-shaped woman famous? She was initially slated to be Senator Bana
Breemu in Star Wars Episode III. The role ended up on the cutting room floor. Bai Ling claims George Lucas cut it was because she posed in Playboy.
He denies this. Considering she posed with a light saber, she's lucky George didn't sue her little titties off. She most recently appeared on VH1 reality/
American Idol-rip off show, But Can They Sing? We were treated to her writhing interpretations of I Touch Myself, Like a Virgin,
I Wanna Be Sedated and Call Me Blondie's call girl anthem.
After being booted from the show, ASIANCE magazine interviewed her:
ASIANCE: Has your style of dressing changed from doing this show?
Bai: No I'm always like that. I feel like in a previous life, I was a wild animal. In nature you don't have any clothes on. I feel like clothing
is just a decoration. I just dress the way I like. If you're young and beautiful it's natural to show your body, why hide? I just feel like people
think I'm crazy and sexy but I am just free.
ASIANCE: How do you stay so slim?
Bai: I eat a lot of desserts, sometimes twice a day. And I drink a little now and I dance crazy. If you feel young and beautiful, it affects
everything...how you eat, how you look, how you dress, how you digest. Our own bodies are like our own individual universe and our inner beauty
is so important.
At one point this year, Bai Ling was quoted as saying that she was "in love with and engaged to" Backstreet Boy and former
poker of Paris Hilton, Nick Carter. Provided that his dick hasn't rotted off since his stint with Paris, Bai Ling is actually one of the only people I can
think of who is lower on the class scale that the Heiress. Nick vigorously denied any truth in the engagement claims.
"We are just friends and I'm dating (other women), but would love to meet a great girl that has her life in order and understands my career goals."
Allow me to interpret Nick Carter's statement:
1. We are just friends: How could I have known that one drunk fuck would turn into twelve calls a day and she "love me long time?" Bitch is
2. I'm dating (other women): I am this close to seeking a restraining order. Stop calling me, you freaky bitch.
3. ...but would love to meet a great girl that has her life in order: Put on some fucking clothes! I know I was in that video
with Paris, but, Jesus, even this is too much for me.
4. ...and understands my career goals: Someone who speaks English and who I could theoretically introduce to my grandmother.
* * * * *
I hope everyone had a safe and happy new year. If you're interested in making predictions for any of these celebs for 2006, please check out
our very exclusive SWEATPANTSERECTION.COM CONTEST.
Happy New Year!