Hey...Bren...don't worry. It's cool. Donna's gonna be fine -- she's probably just stressed out about the David break-up. Just give her a little time. ...Now...where were we...?
But Dylan! Donna and I can't even share the same clothes anymore -- what's the point of even shopping together? Oh Dylan, I'm scared! Maybe we should ask Nat at the Peach Pit.
Bren, chill. Nat's got a lotta burgers to flip right now -- we don't need to bother him with our problems. Besides, babe, I know everything with Donna is gonna be alright. ...Now about that anatomy "test" you said you'd help me with...
Dylan! Not now -- I have to find the gang! We have to save Donna!
Brandon! Kelly! I'm so glad I found you -- I'm so scared! I think I know why Donna's been eating all those uncooked frozen pizzas smothered in ranch dressing!
Brenda...are you sure? Tori, I mean, Donna has always been anorexic. And with all that coke she snorts, who could possibly gain weight? Remember, I know the signs -- my mother was a cocaine addict. (starts to cry...)
I've been trying to tell Bren that everything's cool. This is all just too heavy for me. I'm outta here, man.
Wait, Dylan! Don't go! (starts to cry)
Kelly -- this is all your fault. If you hadn't been here, Dylan would never have made that dramatic exit and sprayed gravel all over with his Honda mini-bike! You've always been jealous of the love we have!
Kelly...I haven't wanted to say anything, especially around the others...but...I've been thinking about you a lot lately. You're the only one who understands me.
Brandon, are you sure? I mean, your sister is my best friend and...
Shhhhh, Kelly, don't talk. What I think what we need now is an entirely pointless and gratuitous sex scene.
That's right, Kel. Good Protestant stock. That's why I can never sleep with that Zuckerman cow, even though she's practically throwing herself at me in the newspaper office.
Donna -- is everything ok? We've all been so concerned about your...weight gain. It's just not like you. At this rate you won't be able to fit into your Rose Princess gown!
Joey, I'm really happy that the gang seems to like you. And try not to worry about Brandon and Dylan being over-protective -- they just want to make sure that you don't beat me up like my last boyfriend, Ray, did.
Donna, it's all good. Now...how 'bout I take you out for one of those sauerkraut milkshakes you love so much.
Mr. Osmond -- thank God you're here. Donna's sick! Will you help me carry her back home?
Well, actually, Joey and Donna -- I'm glad I caught you. We just discovered that there's toxic mold growing in the beach house ventilation system. Sorry. We've got to get the HAZMAT crew out there to remove it. Do you have somewhere you can stay for a few days?
(Donna, crying from the ground): Joey! It huuuurts. Jo-ey, help meeeee.
Oh Joey, I'm scared. The beach house is filled with toxic mold! What are we going to do? Where are we going to go? Everyone else is at the Color Me Badd concert and I can't reach any of them! And what if these pains are not from the raw pork sausage I ate this afternoon? What if I'm dying!
Donna, don't say that. Don't you ever say that. Don't you ever say "die" around me -- promise me you'll never say die!
Name's Epstein. Since I left Welcome Back, Kotter, money hasn't exactly been rolling in, if you know what I mean. Sometimes I rent out my stable to nice people in need, such as yourselves. Other times homeless people break in, which I'm not so fond of. I found one hanging from a beam with a rope around his neck wearing lady's underwear. But that wasn't as bad as the time---
Um, Mister, so can my girlfriend and me stay here? She's really sick.
Sure, sure. I know it's not much to look at... but at $500 a night, beggars from the hills can't be choosers, can they? Plus taxes and any movies you might buy on Pay-Per-View. Check out by 11 am.
He is...magnificent. I have brought a gift. This magic amulet will transport him to Neverland Ranch whenever he thinks about ice cream or puppies or illicit sex with vitiligo-stricken man-children
And I am the second of the Three Uncle Michaels. I bestow upon him a bag of money as a bribe in case he ever thinks about pressing charges later in life.
What lo! I am the third of the Three Uncle Michaels who also followed the spotlight to this hallowed cradle where the child lies swaddled in couture. With this staff, I grant him the power to repress all childhood memories that the media tells him are "bad".
You guys are the best friends anyone could ever have! And now that you're all here...there's something I need to tell you...something I wasn't permitted to tell anyone until this blessed night.
I knew you were all worried about me. I know that thinking your friend might be a binge eater can be scary -- scarier than even pimples or cancer! You probably thought I was binging on mayonnaise-covered Ho-Ho's because I hated myself. Admittedly, they do taste really good...but the reason was not because I'm unhappy. Nine months ago, an angel appeared to me during the night. He told me his name was "Paco," but I can't help thinking that he looked a lot like my father... Anyway, Paco told me that I was to have a child. And this was not to be just any child -- this was to be a very special child.
"How could this be?" I asked him. For I, as most of you know, didn't stop struggling with the virgin issue for seven whole seasons of the show. How can I possibly have a child if all I've done is french kiss David Silver at the Spring Dance or dry hump Joey in the back of his convertible Mustang? The wise angel just shook his head. "You will understand when the time is right," he said.
Well, I don't remember much else except that I was sore in the morning and felt kinda groggy -- like when you wake up after getting your wisdom teeth pulled. I do remember he said something about looking to the north spotlight after the child is born and I will know the truth.
And Kelly, I'm sorry that I blamed you for my problems with Dylan. I know in my heart that you were always just a distraction and can never really mean anything to him.
