Curse of the Care Bears
November 17, 2004
If you were cryogenically frozen around 1988 and recently woke up, chances
are you might not immediately realize time has passed. Virtually everything
from the 80s has been recycled and reintroduced as "new." The music, cocaine,
the resuscitation of Demi Moore's career; these have all been heralded with
much fanfare. Some of the fashion is ok; however most looks as bad as it did the first time
it came around. I can't help but smirk when I see the 19-year-old hipster
girls in their Jennifer Beals-style sweatshirts with the neck cut off. The
biggest crime is that they don't even know who Jennifer Beals IS.
Throwback toys from the 80s are particularly vexing. I was recently in the
Walgreens' toy aisle, of all places, where I saw Rainbow Brite, My Little Pony
and Strawberry Shortcake leering from the shelf. Cabbage Patch Dolls,
He-Man (they no longer have the squishy heads) and
Transformers are also turning a profit again. Even the Glow Worm has been reinvented. Considering that kids
were supposed to snuggle down with their Glow Worm at night, I was always disturbed
by how hard the head on that thing was. I wonder how many emergency room visits resulted
after Big Older Brother connected a Glow Worm with Little Sister's teeth.
The Care Bears have crossed the line.
This time, things aren't as innocent as they appear. During their hiatus,
many Bears formed destructive relationships with characters of questionable
morals. P A Distribution, the maker of Care Bears, has tried
futilely to keep the troubled offspring
of the original Bears a secret.For instance, Do Your Best Bear conceived a child with a notorius Nazi Sympathizer from
central Florida. Tender Heart Bear was arrested in a Brooklyn flophouse
with a bag of crack and a hooker. Worst of all, Share Bear, always
known for giving freely of himself, developed a dangerously co-dependent homosexual affair with Teddy Ruxpin.
Mr. Ruxpin, even after his sixth attempted suicide, still claimed that "he and Share Bear were manufactured for
each other." I think it is time that the public learn of
the moral degradation that has befallen the Care Bear lineage.
White Power Bear
After the last Care Bears were removed from the shelves, Good Night Bear threw off his
sleepy persona and took up with a militant member of the Aryan Nation. He met Carla at a rally in
Miss'sippi when they were both high on methamphetamine. In a fiery passion
fueled by their mutual hate for the blacks and the Jews,
they consummated their relationship while Achey Breaky Heart blared from his Iroc Z's stereo.
Of this cursed union, White Power Bear was born. White Power Bear, having already
spent three years in the juvenile correctional system for stabbing an Ethiopian
cab driver, looks forward to the day when he can finally get that Swastika tattooed
on his back.
Laugh-a-Lot Bear was adopted by a young Ukrainian girl in 1986. Before Laugh-a-Lot
Bear could have many giggles with Svetlana, disaster struck; they were both subjected to the
intense radiation emitted from the Chernobyl meltdown site. Laugh-a-Lot Bear
lost her fur and developed cancer of the spleen, lungs and ovaries. As she knew she would
soon die, Laugh-a-Lot Bear became incredibly promiscuous and copulated with anybear
who was willing. Despite her ovaries,
she miraculously became pregnant and gave birth to Radioactive Bear. This is the last
photo taken of Radioactive Bear before he entered the Russian "quarantine program."
Wish Bear found his poison in the malt liquor you serve like champagne.
Distributed by the Pabst company, Champale is classy enough to serve at
a dinner party, yet hard enough to drink while watching the game with the boys.
Taking cues from his father, Wish Bear's
illegitimate son, Champale Bear,
started pimping out his younger sister when she was only 14. He favors garnet
pinkie rings and white tassled loafers. Whatever you do, don't ever remind him that
Rick James is dead.
Girl Drink Bear
After losing all his money at the dog track, Friend Bear drowned his sorrows by getting very friendly with a
Hawaiian-born prostitute in the back of his Pinto. In addition to herpes, she also gave Friend Bear the news
that she was pregnant with his child. Penniless and addicted to huffing paint thinner,
he was in no way fit to raise a young Care Bear. The hooker,
after suing him for the last of the money he'd made starring in the Care Bears
cartoon, took their child back to the slums of Honolulu. While her mother worked the
Japanese business men, Girl Drink Bear grew up surrounded by Mai Tais and Aloha
Coladas. Girl Drink Bear eventually ran away to work as a
strip club bar tender. She was last seen garnishing a Blue Hawaiian with a pineapple
wedge at the Tiki Titty.
Good Luck Bear was thrown from a horse and lost the use of his legs. Convinced that
God had spared him from death for a reason, he became active as an Evangelical Christian.
He made numerous appearances on the 700 Club and fostered a close friendship with Pat
Robertson. Most importantly, Good Luck Bear was upheld as an example of a successfully "rehabilitated former
homosexual." To prove that he no longer had urges of the flesh, he was quick to preach that
sex was solely for the purpose of procreation not recreation. It was certainly a shock when
the public discovered that his son, FUNdamentalist Bear, was the product of an unholy union with a Vegas showgirl.
Good Luck Bear was later convicted of embezzling millions of dollars through his
"charity" organization. Unphased, FUNdamentalist Bear
still defends his father. "It's all just a dirty smear campaign orchestrated by the gays and the Liberals."
Viet Cong Bear
Cheer Bear always seemed to find herself in abusive relationships with men. She
didn't know how many more times she could tell her friends that she "slipped" or
"tripped on the stairs." When she met Ronny, a Vietnam vet, she thought
that things would be different. They married and had a child; Cheer Bear had never been
so happy. Then Ronny started experiencing symptoms of post-traumatic stress syndrome. He
became delusional and violent. Whenever he caught sight of his infant son toddling
about the living room, he was convinced that Viet Cong guerrillas were lurking behind the Ethan Allen sofa. Cheer Bear
knew it was over when she
found him trying to mix up napalm in the bathtub.
Unable to cope, Ronny shot himself with a hand gun he bought at a pawn shop. Viet Cong
Bear was the only witness to his father's suicide.
Nipple Piercing Bear
He likes to show them off.
Corporate Whore Bear
The obscene materialism of the Reagan years had a detrimental effect on Funshine Bear.
After his retirement from the world of plush toys, he became a Republican lobbyist for
the pharmaceutical industry. Although he did not regard himself
as the fatherly type, he decided to have one child. This desire did not arise
out of love for his offspring, but because he saw it as a way to "invest for his
future." He hooked up with an Executive Vice President of the Gap and conceived
Corporate Whore Bear. Corporate Whore Bear is the apple of his father's eye; even though
he is only 15 years old, he already has quite an impressive stock portfolio and a brutal
business sense. For
fun, the family enjoys travelling to underdeveloped countries to observe the native
children slaving over Gap hoodies and Easy Fit Jeans in the sweatshops.