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Curse of the Care Bears


November 17, 2004

She's a maniac. If you were cryogenically frozen around 1988 and recently woke up, chances are you might not immediately realize time has passed. Virtually everything from the 80s has been recycled and reintroduced as "new." The music, cocaine, the resuscitation of Demi Moore's career; these have all been heralded with much fanfare. Some of the fashion is ok; however most looks as bad as it did the first time it came around. I can't help but smirk when I see the 19-year-old hipster girls in their Jennifer Beals-style sweatshirts with the neck cut off. The biggest crime is that they don't even know who Jennifer Beals IS.

Rainbow Brite, alive and well in 2004 Throwback toys from the 80s are particularly vexing. I was recently in the Walgreens' toy aisle, of all places, where I saw Rainbow Brite, My Little Pony and Strawberry Shortcake leering from the shelf. Cabbage Patch Dolls, He-Man (they no longer have the squishy heads) and Transformers are also turning a profit again. Even the Glow Worm has been reinvented. Considering that kids were supposed to snuggle down with their Glow Worm at night, I was always disturbed by how hard the head on that thing was. I wonder how many emergency room visits resulted after Big Older Brother connected a Glow Worm with Little Sister's teeth.

The Care Bears have crossed the line.

This time, things aren't as innocent as they appear. During their hiatus, many Bears formed destructive relationships with characters of questionable morals. P A Distribution, the maker of Care Bears, has tried futilely to keep the troubled offspring Teddy Ruxpin, homosexual of the original Bears a secret.For instance, Do Your Best Bear conceived a child with a notorius Nazi Sympathizer from central Florida. Tender Heart Bear was arrested in a Brooklyn flophouse with a bag of crack and a hooker. Worst of all, Share Bear, always known for giving freely of himself, developed a dangerously co-dependent homosexual affair with Teddy Ruxpin. Mr. Ruxpin, even after his sixth attempted suicide, still claimed that "he and Share Bear were manufactured for each other." I think it is time that the public learn of the moral degradation that has befallen the Care Bear lineage.

White Power Bear

White Power Bear

After the last Care Bears were removed from the shelves, Good Night Bear threw off his sleepy persona and took up with a militant member of the Aryan Nation. He met Carla at a rally in Miss'sippi when they were both high on methamphetamine. In a fiery passion fueled by their mutual hate for the blacks and the Jews, they consummated their relationship while Achey Breaky Heart blared from his Iroc Z's stereo. Of this cursed union, White Power Bear was born. White Power Bear, having already spent three years in the juvenile correctional system for stabbing an Ethiopian cab driver, looks forward to the day when he can finally get that Swastika tattooed on his back.

Radioactive Bear

Radioactive Bear

Laugh-a-Lot Bear was adopted by a young Ukrainian girl in 1986. Before Laugh-a-Lot Bear could have many giggles with Svetlana, disaster struck; they were both subjected to the intense radiation emitted from the Chernobyl meltdown site. Laugh-a-Lot Bear lost her fur and developed cancer of the spleen, lungs and ovaries. As she knew she would soon die, Laugh-a-Lot Bear became incredibly promiscuous and copulated with anybear who was willing. Despite her ovaries, she miraculously became pregnant and gave birth to Radioactive Bear. This is the last photo taken of Radioactive Bear before he entered the Russian "quarantine program."

Champale Bear

Champale Bear

Wish Bear found his poison in the malt liquor you serve like champagne. Distributed by the Pabst company, Champale is classy enough to serve at a dinner party, yet hard enough to drink while watching the game with the boys. Taking cues from his father, Wish Bear's illegitimate son, Champale Bear, started pimping out his younger sister when she was only 14. He favors garnet pinkie rings and white tassled loafers. Whatever you do, don't ever remind him that Rick James is dead.

Girl Drink Bear

Girl Drink Bear

After losing all his money at the dog track, Friend Bear drowned his sorrows by getting very friendly with a Hawaiian-born prostitute in the back of his Pinto. In addition to herpes, she also gave Friend Bear the news that she was pregnant with his child. Penniless and addicted to huffing paint thinner, he was in no way fit to raise a young Care Bear. The hooker, after suing him for the last of the money he'd made starring in the Care Bears cartoon, took their child back to the slums of Honolulu. While her mother worked the Japanese business men, Girl Drink Bear grew up surrounded by Mai Tais and Aloha Coladas. Girl Drink Bear eventually ran away to work as a strip club bar tender. She was last seen garnishing a Blue Hawaiian with a pineapple wedge at the Tiki Titty.

FUNdamentalist Bear

FUNdamentalist Bear

Good Luck Bear was thrown from a horse and lost the use of his legs. Convinced that God had spared him from death for a reason, he became active as an Evangelical Christian. He made numerous appearances on the 700 Club and fostered a close friendship with Pat Robertson. Most importantly, Good Luck Bear was upheld as an example of a successfully "rehabilitated former homosexual." To prove that he no longer had urges of the flesh, he was quick to preach that sex was solely for the purpose of procreation not recreation. It was certainly a shock when the public discovered that his son, FUNdamentalist Bear, was the product of an unholy union with a Vegas showgirl. Good Luck Bear was later convicted of embezzling millions of dollars through his "charity" organization. Unphased, FUNdamentalist Bear still defends his father. "It's all just a dirty smear campaign orchestrated by the gays and the Liberals."

Viet Cong Bear

Viet Cong Bear

Cheer Bear always seemed to find herself in abusive relationships with men. She didn't know how many more times she could tell her friends that she "slipped" or "tripped on the stairs." When she met Ronny, a Vietnam vet, she thought that things would be different. They married and had a child; Cheer Bear had never been so happy. Then Ronny started experiencing symptoms of post-traumatic stress syndrome. He became delusional and violent. Whenever he caught sight of his infant son toddling about the living room, he was convinced that Viet Cong guerrillas were lurking behind the Ethan Allen sofa. Cheer Bear knew it was over when she found him trying to mix up napalm in the bathtub. Unable to cope, Ronny shot himself with a hand gun he bought at a pawn shop. Viet Cong Bear was the only witness to his father's suicide.

Nipple Piercing Bear

Nipple Piercing Bear

He likes to show them off.

Corporate Whore Bear

Corporate Whore Bear

The obscene materialism of the Reagan years had a detrimental effect on Funshine Bear. After his retirement from the world of plush toys, he became a Republican lobbyist for the pharmaceutical industry. Although he did not regard himself as the fatherly type, he decided to have one child. This desire did not arise out of love for his offspring, but because he saw it as a way to "invest for his future." He hooked up with an Executive Vice President of the Gap and conceived Corporate Whore Bear. Corporate Whore Bear is the apple of his father's eye; even though he is only 15 years old, he already has quite an impressive stock portfolio and a brutal business sense. For fun, the family enjoys travelling to underdeveloped countries to observe the native children slaving over Gap hoodies and Easy Fit Jeans in the sweatshops.

-lisa
 
Copyright 2017 Daniel S. Fettinger and Lisa Warner, all rights reserved.