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And Your Offspring Shall Be Called Zanker Melancholy Poppyfield III


June 23, 2005

Moon Unit and Frank Zappa
Celebrities go to great -- practically desperate -- lengths to christen their children with "unique" names. Names that break all the rules; names that say "my little [name of a Metropolitan City] is special!" The names frequently generate press; who doesn't know the name of Gywneth Paltrow's daughter at this point? Frank Zappa's brood is famous far and wide for their outlandish monikers (Moon Unit, Diva Muffin, Dweezil and Ahmet Rodan). Middle America can only cluck their tongues and shake their heads. Those celebrities! What will they think of next?

Jonathan Davis
Most celebrities fail to recognize that their fame is transient. In a few years, no one will remember that they were in a shitty early 90's thrash metal band or unfunny sit-com. It certainly won't shelter their child from ridicule and persecution by his or her peers. It's no wonder celebrity offspring are sent to "alternative education" schools; sitting in a classroom with kids named Pilot Inspektor, Moxie CrimeFighter and Banjo is the only way that a kid named O'Shun or Bow-TY will make it through his years relatively unscathed. Jonathan Davis, lead singer of Korn, recently named his newborn son "Pirate." (Insert homo joke here). The kid doesn't stand a chance in hell.



I've compiled a list of various celebrity-selected baby names. Feel free to draw inspiration from this when it comes time to welcome your own bundle of joy.

Dakota

You knew there had to be one. Thanks to Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith there is. I thought it best to get it out of the way quickly and without further ado. There are more important matters at hand.

Indiana

We don't get to hear a whole lot about Casey Affleck. Big brother Ben overshadows him in all things celebrity. Therefore, news of Casey's kid with Summer Phoenix didn't reach far and wide like the salivating press dedicated to Jennifer Garner's fetus. Casey and Summer welcomed Indiana August in May 2004. The baby was named "Indiana" after dead brother, River's, character in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, and "August" because it was the month that River was born. In my research, I came across this woman who is still freakishly obsessed with River Phoenix -- and the Phoenix family in general for that matter.

She writes:

I’ve come to feel
I’m River’s “liver”—
I live because of River, for River—
That he “lives on” through me—
Because he cannot live on, himself, you see,
Except through others, like you and me.

and

No to mention the 23 volumes of poetry
I wrote last spring for him—
During which time he “bid” me
To “live on” for him, spiritually,
As he stood under a shade tree
On the family ranch in Micanopy—
To which I agreed—
And this lifted the
Worst of my depression, suicidally—
During the time Indiana August Affleck was being
Born in Amsterdam, as Casey
Was filming that movie!

Actually, I wanted to type up “Phoenix Rising,”
For Indiana’s first birthday this year—
Though he can’t yet read, probably,
And the subject matter is a bit “adult” for him, actually—
But this considerably
Shorter piece of poetry
“takes precedence” for me, since it’s right here,
and “Phoenix Rising” is in a cabinet behind rows of boxes I’m unpacking!

For the love a of god somewhere...seek help NOW!


Dallas

Ron Howard, Fred Durst and Erykah Badu all saw fit to name their daughter and sons, respectively, after the city where JR was shot and Jessica Simpson first saw the light of day.





Brooklyn

Born to Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham and her (straight) husband, David, little Brooklyn is named after the New York borough where he was conceived. He has since been joined by his brothers, Romeo and Cruz. Residents of Madrid, Posh and Becks may be forced to change the name of their latest addition, Cruz, because Spanish civil law "prohibits names which introduce ambiguity related to gender". At least one country is looking out for its kids.

Atlanta

Co-founder of Duran Duran, bassist John Taylor was married in a shotgun ceremony to 19-year-old, five-months pregnant Amanda de Cadenet in 1991. Their daughter, Atlanta Noo De Cadenet Taylor, was born in 1992. They named her "Atlanta" because Amanda's family members all have names that begin with "A." Sounds reasonable. "Noo" is short for "noodlehead." She's going to be a cutter, I can already tell.

Phoenix

Melanie Gulzar, aka Melanie Brown, aka Mel B, aka Scary Spice married Dutch dancer, Jimmy Gulzar, in 1998. Phoenix Chi was a product of their tumultuous sixteen month union. Scary and Jimmy divorced in 2000, but not before battling it out in court over custody of Phoenix. Jimmy informed the Sun tabloid that the marriage broke up "because [Scary] had cosmetic surgery that stopped her breast-feeding the baby." Same old, same old, ya know. Scary had to pay her ex 1.25 million pounds, but was awarded custody of Phoenix. Can I make a "rising from the ashes" joke now?


Paris

Onward we march to Paris! Hilton and Latsis might be the Parises of the moment, but who's to say that Sebastian Bach's daughter, Paris Frances, won't be the It Girl of tomorrow? Paris Frances Bach can hook up with Pierce Brosnan's son, Paris Beckett Brosnan, born in 2001. I see another Paris-Paris union in the year 2025!

We cannot overlook Michael Jackson's only female "offspring," Paris Michael Katherine. Sister to Prince Michael and half sister to Prince Michael II (aka Blanket), Paris Michael Katherine Jackson shall grow up knowing that her mother, Debbie Rowe, gave her to her "father" as a "gift." Debbie gave up all paternal rights in exchange for free pony rides for life at Neverland Ranch.

London

Sebastian Bach is quite the cultured gadabout. He not only has a daughter named Paris, but he's taken the Chunnel to Merry Old England and christened a son named London. London carries the middle names Siddhartha and Halford. I wouldn't have pegged Sebastian for being a great reader of Hermann Hesse. However, 18 and Life did have some spiritual depth to it. He's come a long way since the "AIDS Kills Fags Dead" controversy. Funny how his kid bears the surname of gay Judas Priest frontman, Rob Halford.

Another throwback of 90's pseudo-metal, former Guns N' Roses guitarist, Slash, also saw fit to name his kid London. London Emilio Hudson was born August 28, 2002. Like the spawn of Posh Spice, London was named after the city where he was conceived.


Ireland

Prior to their bitter public divorce, Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin were once the toast of the town. However, all good things must come to an end -- even for a Baldwin. Poor little Ireland was caught in the middle. Can we compare her parents' struggle to the bloody battle between the IRA and British between 1921 - 1997? No? Oh, my apologies. FOR THE LOVE OF A CATHOLIC GOD -- SHE'S ONLY A LITTLE GIRL!

India

The less famous Canadian Corey, Corey Hart made a name for himself by wearing his sunglasses at night. (The other Canadian Corey is, of course, Haim, who made a name for himself as a Tiger Beat heart throb and heroin junkie). Originally hailing from Montreal, Corey Hart's family moved to Spain when he was four, followed by Mexico City when he was nine. By age thirteen, the family had again relocated -- this time to sunny, whitetrash Florida. It was here that Corey was introduced to Tom Jones. Impressed with Corey's musical potential, Mr. Jones, a Welshman, pawned him off on a Canadian, Paul Anka. Canadians have to stick together. (Corey Haim's problems can be tied to his friendship with Corey Feldman, a non-Canadian. The Haim and Feldman Collaborative was a lose-lose situation. Blame Canada.)


Young Corey Hart's cover of Paul Anka's Oooh Baby failed to chart anywhere -- even in Canada. Never the quitter, Corey returned to his native land to soak up the Canadian essence he would need to succeed. This is where, in 1983, he recorded First Offense, aka the album that has the only Corey Hart song anyone can name: Sunglasses at Night.

The illustrious career of Corey Hart wound down pretty quickly (although it seems that someone forgot to tell Corey). He turned down the lead in Back to the Future (which went to Canadian, Michael J. Fox). He also opted to pass on the opportunity to perform Danger Zone, the theme song to Top Gun. I'm taking a wild guess here, but I suspect that these might have helped him out just a wee bit. Corey soldiered on and continued to put out albums through 1998. Of late, he has been writing songs for Canadian Celine Dion. Yes, he has failed.

Returning to the point of this article, Corey Hart welcomed his first progeny in 1995. He named her India (possibly to escape the curse of being Canadian?) Corey eternally immortalized her by penning lyrics in her honor:

So let the moon and the stars
Always touch your face
Let the (flowers and fields
Be your sacred place)
Let (the oceans and wind
Always carry your name)
(India)
[India, o-o]
[Ah-h]
[Na, na, na, na]
[Na, na, na, na]

That's fucking beautiful. And Canadian.

Apple

Yeah, yeah. Next.


Banjo

Australian actress, Rachel Griffiths is most recently known for her role as Brenda on Six Feet Under. Her big break came in 1994 when she appeared in Muriel's Wedding. I'm not really interested in Rachel Griffiths other than she christened her first child "Banjo". She admits that it was originally a joke that eventually stuck. As will the emotional scars.



Audio Science

Actress/dancer, Shannyn Sossamon (I didn't know who the hell she was either) birthed her first child in 2003. She and father/boyfriend Dallas Clayton, a kick box instructor, decided to name the poor boy "Audio Science." You may first think, "well, that's kind of cool." Then you think a bit harder and decide that the kid is going to suffer. Soon to come: sister named Car Stereo. Sorry...that wasn't very funny, but I couldn't resist.

Bamboo

The son of Big Boi (OutKast). His bad.



Jesus

The most holy son of Flea. And you know it's not pronounced "Hay-suess."



Jermajesty

Michael Jackson wasn't the first in his family to imbue his children with titles of royalty. Big brother Jermaine's boy proudly answers to "Jermajesty."





Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily

How will mom, Paula Yates, tell her young daughter that dad, Michael Hutchence, hung him self in an alleged auto-erotic asphyxiation encounter gone wrong? She'll probably have to take her out for ice cream first.

Dusty Rain

The daughter of Vanilla Ice has no other choice than to become a porn star as soon as legally possible.


Storm and Gunner

A badass rocker has got to follow through with some badass names for his spawn. Storm and Gunner, the children of Mötley Crüe bassist, Nikki Sixx, will get full sleeve tattoos for their twelfth birthdays.





Tu Morrow

Rob Morrow, who is best remembered as Dr. Joel Fleischman on Northern Exposure, could not resist the temptation of the ultimate sin: naming his daughter Tu Simone Morrow. Tu Morrow. That's hilarious. I'm sure Tu will agree once all the tears dry up and she can no longer feel.



Rebel, Rocket and Racer

Desperado and Spy Kids director, Robert Rodriguez has named his three boys, Racer, Rebel and Rocket. Might I suggest that they pair up with the Demi Moore/Bruce Willis girl brood of Rumer, Scout and Tallulah. Although, you can't rule out one of the girls ending up as a lesbian.

I eagerly await the appellation of Britney and Kevin's baby. I hope it's a girl. "Rose Wine Cooler" would make such a beautiful name.

-lisa
 
Copyright 2017 Daniel S. Fettinger and Lisa Warner, all rights reserved.