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Girl Eating a Corndog
Aspiring for Top Google Search Results
October 11, 2004
What do prison cafeterias, Texas and the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk have in common? Give up?
Ok, how about this one: what looks like breaded, deep fried male genitalia? Still no clue?
IT'S A CORNDOG, PEOPLE!
Ahh, corndogs. A favorite treat for kids and adults alike, the corndog is a staple of
the American diet. Like all the foods we claim as "native," corndogs are chock full of
fatty, high-caloric goodness that will up your odds of developing a heart condition later
in life. They are best enjoyed dipped in ketchup or mustard and accompanied by a
Camel Unfiltered and disease-ridden prostitute.
Corndogs were first seen and eaten at the 1942 Texas State Fair. I don't understand
why George W. doesn't spend more time touting this great achievement of his home state.
If he promised to deliver a case of corndogs to every man, woman and child in this great
nation, I might consider thinking about possibly voting for him. It could only work to
his advantage: the thrill of free corndogs might prove to be so distracting that we
completely forget the implications of the Duelfer Report and the fact that Iraq was invaded
based on fabricated reports of the existence of Weapons of Mass Destruction. None of that
will matter as long as he keeps the corndogs comin'. Doesn't Dubya pay campaign strategy
people to tell him these things?
Birthing a corndog is simple: a hotdog on a stick (or wiener, if you prefer) is dipped in corn
meal batter and then plunged headfirst into a vat of boiling grease. A few minutes
pass -- double double toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble -- while the
metamorphosis takes place. As it luxuriates in the roiling grease bath, the lowly
hotdog on a stick is transformed into a glorious golden brown, crisp on the outside,
soft on the inside CORNDOG. It's a beautiful thing.
A reluctant love of corndogs is the reason we spent yesterday at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk.
The Boardwalk is California's oldest amusement park and the only one still operating on
the actual coast. San Francisco boasted its own Playland-at-the-Beach from 1928 to 1972.
Now torn down and replaced by condos, pieces of Playland are distributed throughout the City;
you can ride the Merry-go-Round at Yerba Buena or visit the Musée Méchanique,
a collection of antique coin-operated games, fortune tellers, peep shows and musical instruments,
that was recently reinstalled at Fisherman's Wharf. My favorite is called "Execution;"
it depicts the mechanical beheading of a traitor during the French revolution. Very PC. Another is
called "Opium Den." You drop in a dime and watch as an opium junkie emerges from a door, takes a toke
and then totters back to his hole. Since they didn't technically have liquor (or corndogs), such were the amusements
and good times in the early 1920s.
At the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, you can take your pick of exciting rides like the historic
Giant Dipper, the Tsunami and Ghost Blasters. Whoever designed the background
scenery for the Tsunami has some kind of strange fetish or hatred for semi-trucks. Nothing
else seems to have fallen prey to the powers of the Tsunami other than big rigs and trailers. Was the
artist's mother killed in a fiery, late night accident while trying to get a load of Pampers to
Walmart on time? Maybe she was run down by a trucking madman, high on methamphetamine.
Whatever the case, the artist's depiction of the semis being sucked down into the swells of the raging
Tsunami could not have been more expressive or filled with emotion. I was truly moved.
If the Tsunami is too frightening, you can try your luck with the Carnie games. Dan proved
himself to be a male worthy of hero worship when his Carnie game prowess resulted in, not one, but
TWO, plush toys for me. He loves me, he really loves me! I also took home three plastic snakes on account
of my mad Skee-ball skills. Don't hate.
After the Carnies (who are not the grizzled vagrants you might expect, but fifteen-year-olds with
neck acne) take most of your money, you can spend the rest of the day devouring a number of fun foods
on a stick: corndogs, Deep Fried Twinkies, cheese, chocolate dipped bananas studded with nuts, caramel
apples, cotton candy, hotdogs (sans the corn) and ice cream. Deep Fried Twinkies (which really deserve an
entire discussion in and of themselves), are represented by Twinkie the Kid. Twinkie the Kid hails
from Brooklyn; he loves nothing more than to spread his sticky-sweet, high fructose corn syrup message
to all the boys and girls, regardless of their color, creed, race or national origin. Dan is one of the
eager boys and girls to be taken with Twinkie and his deep fried teachings. He ate half of one of Twinkie's battered offspring
before having to throw it in the garbage. Shortly thereafter, he went into full cardiac arrest and I had
to perform CPR right there on the cement in the shadow of the Deep Fried Twinkie hut. I'm so embarrassed
when this happens; especially since it was the third time that week.
Back to the delicious and non-nutritious corndogs. As the title indicates, the primary goal of this article
is to become the top Google search result for "Girl Eating a Corndog." Ideally, we'd like to hit the high
mark with just "corndog;" however that might be a tougher hurdle to clear. There are currently 20,800 results
for "corndog" and 40,400 for "corn dog." In order to achieve corndog search engine greatness, we need to overtake
a few key competitors. That's right -- I'm talking to you, Corndogday.com
and corndogfestival.com; you better
count them, because your days on top are numbered.
National Corndog Day started in Corvallis, Oregon in 1992. Held annually, it is scheduled to coincide with
the Saturday of the final 32 teams in the NCAA basketball tournament. Last year's celebration fell on March
20; twelve cities, including San Francisco, New York, Portland and DC, hosted "official" Corndog Day
parties. Again, this presents an opportunity for George W. Bush to exploit the corndog: what serves as a better
example of "liberty on the march" than the ability of our citizens to freely congregate for the sole purpose
of consuming corndogs while watching our nation's finest battle for a basketball championship? I rest my case.
Meanwhile, the city of Dallas has proudly held The Corndog Festival for the past ten years. The 2004
Corndog Festival took place only a few weeks ago on September 25. It features the Corndog Styling Contest
where hopefuls dress up as their favorite interpretation of the meat-on-a-stick snack. The aptly named Corn Ball
provides the opportunity for enthusiasts to drink, dance and get their corndog on. Corndog art and merchandise
are available for purchase.
Now that you have a better understanding of the corndog process, its origins and what might make someone dress
up like one, it's time for the main attraction; this shall (hopefully) make
SweatPantsErection.com the top Google
search result for "corndog," or at the very least, "Girl Eating a Corndog." (Remember, it usually
takes Google a good week to register new search engine terms; don't despair if you don't see it right away. Have faith,
my child, for I believe it is God's will that we achieve the highest status of corndog glory.)
With that I give you:
Girl Eating a Corndog
I hope you enjoy looking at it as much as I did eating it.
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-lisa |
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