History Revealed: The Real Story of Jesus

In honor of the Sweatpantserection.com one year anniversary and the 2,005th anniversary of Jesus rising from the dead, we decided to reward our readers by revealing the findings of a top secret investigation.

We invited thirty-six children, ages 3 - 12, to lend their creativity and artistic talents to our celebration. We didn't quite know what to expect, but the kids outdid themselves. (Well done, little soldiers!) Without further ado, we happily present:

History Revised: The Real Story of Jesus

Well hello there, sillies! I'm so tickled you've decided to join me on this exciting journey through history. My name is Simon and I'll be your narrator. I am also known as the Son of Samuel begat from Sarah who laid with Peter and contracted syphilis from Bathsheba. Most people just call me Nibbles.

Let's see...where shall we begin? Oh yes, with Jesus. Just between you and me, I never thought he was all that. I mean, how could one possibly make it through one week -- let alone life -- without a little rubby-rubby? Or did he? Well, settle in sugars -- it's story time!

There she is. Mary. Would you just look at her? Always trying to look so righteous and penitent. If you ask me, the girl needs to schedule an emergency meeting with the Beast with Two Backs. I've seen how she sits on those camel humps; she's not as innocent as you'd think.

But for some reason, God saw something in her. I can't imagine what -- no tits to speak of, an ass like the side of a board. And the praying…always praying for forgiveness. "Dear God, please forgive me for the broken crockery. Dear God, please have mercy on me for spilling the water jug. Dear God, can you see fit to accept me as your child even though I had carnal thoughts about Philip, Peter, Moses, Ezra, Joshua, David, Michael, Gabriel, Jeremiah, Paul, Benjamin and Aaron all at the same time?"

Mary was engaged to Joseph, a local carpenter. Ummmm, would you look at him stroking that wood? Goddamn.

Joseph specialized in custom cabinetry. Unbeknownst to most, he was also an inventor. His greatest legacy can still be found in kitchens today, especially those that haven't seen a remodeling since that horrid 1970's avocado/burnt umber/gold color scheme (thank Jehovah for Extreme Makeover: Home Edition): Joseph is credited with creating the Lazy Susan.

Unfortunately, there was not much call for an interior, spinning shelf during the Roman Empire. It wasn't until the advent of Tupperware in the 1950's that people saw the potential of his vision.

One night Mary awoke to the sight of a strange man in her room. The man explained that he was an angel "sent from God" to impregnate her. Mary didn't know what to think...but when the "angel" started touching her, she quickly forgot her fear, Joseph, everything.

The "angel" told Mary that she would soon have a baby. "But don't you ever tell nobody that I was here. You tell them that this baby came from God. If I ever hear that you're running your mouth about me, I kill you and the kid, dig?"

Mary dug.

The next day Mary told Joseph that she would be having God's baby. "And I didn't have sex with any strange men last night -- it's God's! You hear me! Don't you judge me -- I know what you did last summer with that whore Mary Magdalene!"

"Slattern of the devil," Joseph exclaimed, "I shall never marry you!" He stomped off to rub down some wood in his shop.

Mary was terrified that she would be a single mother. What would she do without Joseph? She thought about how hard it would be to raise a child alone in 0 BC. One's only means for support is "the world's oldest profession..." and Mary had already exhausted that option.

Luckily, another angel appeared to Joseph in a dream. The angel destroyed part of Joseph's cerebral cortex. This caused him to forget all about the illegitimate bastard in Mary's belly. On the downside, it also rendered him permanently retarded.

As her pregnancy developed and Mary realized that Joseph would never again count to ten, she began to think about suicide. How could she take care of a baby and a tard on her own?

"What if I took these knitting needles and...oh, I just couldn't! I can't stand pain!"

The time of the baby drew closer. To escape the ridicule of her hometown, Mary and her disabled husband stole a donkey and went on the lam. They stabbed two travelers and stole their robes and sandals to use as disguises. Killing was the only thing that brought back a little of the old Joseph.

"Look everyone! There's a huge fat lady riding into town on a donkey!"

Mary had gained quite a bit of water weight. She had also picked up the habit of downing a pint of olive oil every night before bed...it helped her relax. Had Hostess Sno-Balls been around at the time, there's no telling what size she could have reached.

Mary and her new boyfriend, Claus, were denied a room at the motel. (Joseph had run off chasing a butterfly, only to plummet to his death from a 100-foot cliff. It was really for the best. The poor lamb didn't stand a chance.)

"Push, baby, push. This kid's going to make us some good money on the black market."

When the time came for Mary to turn the little dickens over to the black market peddlers, she had a change of heart. Something in his eyes spoke to her. She felt that he would be more valuable if she kept him.

She decided to name him Bob.

As time went by and Bob grew older, Mary became increasingly frightened of her son. She was convinced that Bob had evil powers. She thought that he was peering at her soul. How jeepers creepers! It didn't help that she was drinking wine heavily.

"I bet we can convince her to do that thing with her tongue."

Bob helped his "stepfather" Claus out in Joseph's old shop. The boy showed quite a knack for polishing wood. Claus gave him an encouraging pat on the ass every fifteen minutes or so. He rarely let the boy out of his sight.

Bob began to question the behavior of his "stepfather". Were all thirteen-year-old boys expected to sit on their daddy's laps and wiggle?

Bob ran away from home and hid out in a farmer's field for several weeks. He subsisted on figs, dates and -- when times got desperate -- his own urine.

Bob finally emerged from the field and started to make friends with the local children. They were so sweet and innocent. So trusting. The children giggle nervously when Bob lifted up his robes. The smell of honey suckle hung thickly in the air.

Bob began to realize there was something different about him. Why wasn't he attracted to women? He knew that he should be...isn't the female flower what all young bucks crave?

It didn't help that when he broke a loaf of bread in half it suddenly was able to feed five thousand people. "What the hell?" he thought, "Who's going to clean up this mess?"

Wait a minute! Maybe I DO have magical powers. Maybe my mother wasn't a crazy junkie whore!

Bob began to test the limits of his newfound powers. In the wink of an eye, he could easily transform himself into a lusus naturae capable of gauging out a man's eye merely by thinking about it. On the flipside, he could also cure the blind...but that wasn't quite as fun.

He could also walk on water.

In spite of all these wonderful gifts, Bob felt as though there was a hollow place in his heart. "What do I want more than anything that I can't do for myself?

--crickets--

I've got it!"

I want to be washed by a man wearing a wet, tight body suit made of animal skin!

After the bathing (and more bathing), Bob felt so envigorated that he decided to parade through the town astride a donkey.

"I have come!" he shouted.

Bob's brazen one-man parade gave hope to others who had been living in shame. Those who had taken out their lusts on lesser species, now felt empowered to be loud, be proud.

Victory was short lived. Soon the backlash struck. Men who briefly enjoyed their freedom to live and love, were brought back into their shame. Name calling and stoning ensued.

The authorities hauled in the man responsible for the Great Homosexual Uprising of 24 DB (During Bob).

"You have caused our streets to be overrun with lust, men lolling in their own drunkenness, GHB consumption and an ever-present circuit party near the temple. For this, you must be punished. I sentence you to death!"

Whoopsie -- sorry kids! The coloring book omitted the actual scene of crucifixion. But thanks to Mel Gibson's self-righteous endeavor, I've got some filler:

Yowza.

It was only after Bob was laid in the tomb, did his mother reenter his life.

"I never even told him who his real father was! Boo hoo hooooooo."

Mary left with her latest squeeze, Ken. (Claus suffered a mysterious fatal stroke when he was out in the barn. The only witness was his favorite sheep, Ethel. Hmmmmm).

Three days passed.

Hey look everyone! Bob's not dead!

Indeedy-do, Bob was back. And he was hungry. For brains.

Bob ate his way through the townsfolk of Jerusalem. In between chewing sinew and disemboweling virgins, he paused briefly to reflect upon his life. He decided there was absolutely nothing that he would have changed; he'd lived it to the fullest. Let hedonism reign!

There was only one thing left to do...

...it was time to dance!

And dance he did. Until his death at age 89, Bob lived peacefully in a small cottage in what would be the French countryside in 900 years. He tended his herb garden, dabbled with decoupage and had his back waxed every six weeks. Life was good.

What can we learn from this tale?

1. Always be yourself.

2. It's okay to drink urine and eat brains if that's what it takes to survive.

3. Don't ever go into a wood working shop with a stranger...or even a relative.

I hope you enjoyed my story, kids. Remember to eat your vegetables, say no to hippies and don't forget to support your troops!