This Just In!
By Lake Stevens, Man About Town
July 8, 2004
Ellen Gets a Deal!
I was sipping a double decaf soy latte at the fashionable Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf Café
on West Sunset in WeHo. The sun was glorious and the latest Jackie Collins novel was
just starting to heat up when the "wife" decided to disturb me. (I never should have
given "her" my mobile number. She knows I always keep the line open in case Ashton
calls.) It seems that my precious Lhasa Apso, Mister Puddles, had another accident
on the Aubusson rug. Apparently day-old fois gras doesn't sit well in my pooky-kin's
little tummy. But dog be damned, I couldn't bear the thought of a bare foyer floor. I
had to get a new rug - and fast!
Since I was conveniently in the neighborhood, I opted to dash right over to
Samuel's Rug Gallery. You may know Samuel's as the place where Jennifer and Brad
outfitted their rumpus room...as well as the one for...a nursery? We'll just have
to wait and see!
On any given afternoon you can find more stars in Samuel's Rug Gallery than on the
Walk of Fame! But isn't a star on the Walk of Fame a dime a dozen these days? A
celebrity used to have to earn immortality on the vomit-covered, needle-littered
sidewalks of Hollywood. Straight-to-video crime capers and two thumbs on the Walmart
fashion market is not what I'd call star-worthy. Where are the Garbos and Hepburns
when you need them?
All in a rush, I grabbed my double decaf soy latte and hurried to the door, narrowly
avoiding a collision with Lara Flynn Boyle. Pardon me! The poor dear...her body
shook like a leaf even with the most delicate of puffs on her
Treasurer 100mm Luxury Cigarette. A nonfat triple cap for her no doubt.
She'd better watch out for the hidden calories! It must be the caffeine that keeps
her so slim.
I made haste to my Miata parked just outside. Before jetting the few blocks to Samuel's,
I was sure to adjust my Hermes ascot. You just never know when one of those darling
Hilton girls will pop up. One must always look one's best!
As I entered the shop, I was immediately greeted by Samuel himself.
"Hello, dear. No time for gossip, the 'wife' needs a new Aubusson!"
I marched past the Oriental collection, those dreadful sisals and the Mondrian-inspired
contemporaries, when who should I spy but Ms. Ellen DeGeneres! Rug Shopping! Ellen
DeGeneres shopping for a new rug! Quickly, I tucked myself behind a stack of
boldly-patterned wool area rugs. As I peered over the mound of rugs, I saw Ellen
head for...the Berbers? I tried desperately to hold it in, but a gasp still managed
to escape. Berber carpeting? Ellen DeGeneres likes Berber rugs. I struggled with
the horror that began to overtake me. Maybe she simply favors its plushness, or
could it be the wall-to-wall versatility? Despite the shock, I recognized this as a
story that deserved immediate attention. Springing to action, I pointed at the first
Aubusson I saw and fled the store. As I ran to my Miata, I hastily called over my
shoulder to Samuel:
"Put it on my account and have it delivered on Tuesday! You have the address, of
course. Thanks, honey -- you're a lamb!"
Of course the "wife" hated the rug I selected. "She" just doesn't understand that
my entire reputation would be in ruins if anyone else beat me to this hot story. As
for a new rug, "she" will have to wait until next week when I'm back in WeHo for my
bi-monthly facial and brow wax at Burke Williams Spa.
-Lake Stevens, Man About Town