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Lake Stevens, Man About Town

This Just In!


By Lake Stevens, Man About Town
July 8, 2004

Ellen Gets a Deal!


Mister Puddles I was sipping a double decaf soy latte at the fashionable Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf Café on West Sunset in WeHo. The sun was glorious and the latest Jackie Collins novel was just starting to heat up when the "wife" decided to disturb me. (I never should have given "her" my mobile number. She knows I always keep the line open in case Ashton calls.) It seems that my precious Lhasa Apso, Mister Puddles, had another accident on the Aubusson rug. Apparently day-old fois gras doesn't sit well in my pooky-kin's little tummy. But dog be damned, I couldn't bear the thought of a bare foyer floor. I had to get a new rug - and fast!

Since I was conveniently in the neighborhood, I opted to dash right over to Samuel's Rug Gallery. You may know Samuel's as the place where Jennifer and Brad Brad and Jen outfitted their rumpus room...as well as the one for...a nursery? We'll just have to wait and see!

On any given afternoon you can find more stars in Samuel's Rug Gallery than on the Walk of Fame! But isn't a star on the Walk of Fame a dime a dozen these days? A celebrity used to have to earn immortality on the vomit-covered, needle-littered sidewalks of Hollywood. Straight-to-video crime capers and two thumbs on the Walmart fashion market is not what I'd call star-worthy. Where are the Garbos and Hepburns when you need them?

Lara Flynn Boyle All in a rush, I grabbed my double decaf soy latte and hurried to the door, narrowly avoiding a collision with Lara Flynn Boyle. Pardon me! The poor dear...her body shook like a leaf even with the most delicate of puffs on her Treasurer 100mm Luxury Cigarette. A nonfat triple cap for her no doubt. She'd better watch out for the hidden calories! It must be the caffeine that keeps her so slim.

I made haste to my Miata parked just outside. Before jetting the few blocks to Samuel's, I was sure to adjust my Hermes ascot. You just never know when one of those darling Hilton girls will pop up. One must always look one's best!

As I entered the shop, I was immediately greeted by Samuel himself.

"Hello, dear. No time for gossip, the 'wife' needs a new Aubusson!"

I marched past the Oriental collection, those dreadful sisals and the Mondrian-inspired contemporaries, when who should I spy but Ms. Ellen DeGeneres! Rug Shopping! Ellen DeGeneres shopping for a new rug! Quickly, I tucked myself behind a stack of Ellen Degeneres boldly-patterned wool area rugs. As I peered over the mound of rugs, I saw Ellen head for...the Berbers? I tried desperately to hold it in, but a gasp still managed to escape. Berber carpeting? Ellen DeGeneres likes Berber rugs. I struggled with the horror that began to overtake me. Maybe she simply favors its plushness, or could it be the wall-to-wall versatility? Despite the shock, I recognized this as a story that deserved immediate attention. Springing to action, I pointed at the first Aubusson I saw and fled the store. As I ran to my Miata, I hastily called over my shoulder to Samuel:

"Put it on my account and have it delivered on Tuesday! You have the address, of course. Thanks, honey -- you're a lamb!"

Of course the "wife" hated the rug I selected. "She" just doesn't understand that my entire reputation would be in ruins if anyone else beat me to this hot story. As for a new rug, "she" will have to wait until next week when I'm back in WeHo for my bi-monthly facial and brow wax at Burke Williams Spa.

-Lake Stevens, Man About Town
 
Copyright 2017 Daniel S. Fettinger and Lisa Warner, all rights reserved.