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Celebrity Junkies of the Moment

August 20, 2005 I wanna do crack with somebody.

Celebrity drug addicts are one of the joys of my life. Their entertaining antics, brought on (directly or indirectly) by the influence of narcotics, are one of the reasons I get up in the morning. We've all heard about Robert Downey Jr.'s struggle to stay clean, the infamous River Phoenix O.D. on the sidewalk in front of the Viper Room, and the dark side of Tatum O'Neal. Even Whoopi Goldberg used to ride the white horse. Heroin is one thing, but I think that crack has gotten a bum rap. Crack mothers, crack babies, crack houses, crack whores -- there's not a lot of positive spin. Whitney Houston put it best when she looked blearily into the camera and announced on national television, "Crack is whack! I don't buy crack. Crack is cheap. Why would I buy crack when I can afford the top cocaine?" The world is a better place with Whitney in it.

Stuffing the hole.
The world is not a better place with Courtney Love in it. Big newsflash: Courtney hasn't maintained her mandatory sobriety. Ms. Love confessed before a judge that yes, indeedy, she'd been using "controlled substances." All this time she's screeched to anyone who would listen that her weight gain was related to being in rehab. Now that we know this isn't true, we can really ridicule her for being an opiate-sweating pig. I refuse to spend any more time talking about her.

Instead, I'd like to put the spotlight on two other celebs that have fallen prey to the seedy underbelly of fame. Or they just became smackheads. Either or, Natasha Lyonne and Pete Doherty are commendable for their boundless druggie dramas. Let us enter into their She will molest your dog. worlds of pain.

Natasha Lyonne

Natasha is back in the news again. You may recall her recent run-in with her NYC neighbor and a certain dog molestation incident in December 2004. She was arrested and spent a night in jail before being arraigned on charges of criminal mischief, harassment and trespassing. A reader of gawker.com had this to say about Natasha's time in lockdown:

[My roommate has] returned to us after a restful weekend spent sleeping in a cell next to former starlet Natasha Lyonne. When he asked whether she still worked/how she made cash to buy the horse, she told him, “yeah, I have, like, five movies coming out next year. I’m in Blade Trinity!” He says she’s approximately 80 lbs and looks like junkie shit, and that she kept screaming for heroin and promised the guards that they could “party with Tara” if they let her out. Natasha and [my roommate] got arraigned at the same time and he asked for her number, but alas, she was still too fucked up to register. Tara Subkoff

(There are two possible Taras she could have meant: Tara Reid or Tara Subkoff, an actress, who also is designer/co-founder of the New York-based Tara Reid and her scar tissue. Imitation of Christ fashion line. On account of my brief research, I'm going to go with Tara Subkoff on this one. She's been part of Natasha's inner circle for quite some time. Plus, I just don't see Natasha Lyonne letting her tits fall out of her dress in some LA club with Tara Reid in tow. Paris Hilton can retain that honor.)

This past April, a judge issued a warrant for Natasha's arrest after she failed to appear in court each of the three times he called her dog molestation case. While on the lam, she was reportedly evicted from her apartment and was living on the streets. She also dropped her agent and publicist (or they dropped her...)

As of yesterday, Natasha is no longer a fugitive. She resurfaced in an NYC hospital. Pam copes with her Hep C. Dehydration and exhaustion? Not this time, kids. Girlfriend was admitted to the facility carrying a healthy case of Hep C, a heart infection and a collapsed lung. She's also reportedly receiving methadone. Hep C is most commonly transmitted through contaminated needles (or through a contaminated penis, er tattoo needle, if you're Pammy Anderson). Collapsed lungs and heart infections come with the territory of beating your body down with toxins every 3 - 4 hours. Of course, I don't have to explain what methadone is for. I'm beginning to think Natasha might have, oh I don't know, maybe a little bit of a heroin problem.

An unholy union.
How did this happen to such a promising young actress? It's my theory that Natasha started down the slippery slope toward dog rape, eviction and Hep C because of another one of my favorite trainwrecks, Eddie Furlong. She and Eddie dated from 1998 - 2000. Eddie persistently denies that he does heroin because "he's afraid of needles." Last time I checked, there are a lot of other ways to get heroin into your body without piercing the skin. He was arrested in September 2004 on charges of public intoxication after he tried to liberate live lobsters from a tank in a Kentucky grocery store.

Furlong says, "Lobsters are people too. Lobsters, they are great spirits and they need to roam free. I know it was a bad idea. And, of course, you read it everywhere afterward and you get to the set and people are like, 'Hey, Lobster Boy!' All I did was free their little claws, man. They wanted to be free."

Ok. I guess it didn't occur to him that taking them out of the tank would then cause them to SUFFOCATE. But with freedom, sometimes you can't be too choosy.

One other possible avenue toward Natasha's habit could be attributed to her co-starring role alongside Macaulay Culkin in Party Monster (2003), the dramatization of the Michael Alig story. As Brooke, a desperate fat girl Michael (Culkin) picks up on his nationwide tour to find more club kids, Natasha donned a fatty suit and terrible dreadlocks. In the last days before Michael Alig is arrested for murdering his drug dealer, he and his friends -- including Brooke -- are Macaulay Culkin shown strung out on [insert name of drug of choice], in an apartment that looks like a crack alley. Natasha apparently liked the look of seedy drug den and decided to make her actual living conditions mirror the set. Her former East Village apartment is owned by fellow actor Michael Rapaport. After she went missing, he reported to Jane magazine the state of his property: "There was garbage everywhere, scripts, contracts, pages from Hustler magazine ... and things I can't even mention," he writes. "It looked like a grenade had gone off in her bedroom."

Godspeed to health and happiness, Natasha. Hopefully you'll be able to kick this terrible habit so you can jump onto the newest celebrity trend and adopt a sub-Saharan orphan. I wish you the very best.

Pete Doherty

Pete Doherty

I've been following the Pete Doherty/Kate Moss drama for some time now. The original intent was to spin a story based on her...but does anyone really give a shit about Kate Moss these days? Her crackhead boyfriend is a much more interesting specimen.

The original waif has been dating Pete Doherty, front man for Brit band The Baby Shambles, since she hooked up with him at her 31st birthday party last January. The couple has received quite a bit of press -- primarily due to Pete's passion for the pipe.

Pete formerly fronted The Libertines, a garage rock/punk revival band, The Libertines are enormously famous in Britain and virtually unknown in the States. They kicked him out in December 2004 because he couldn't get a grip on the drug use. Plus, he The Libertines burglarized his former bandmate and best friend, Carl Barat's flat to get crack money. Stealing your friend's laptop for heroin is probably the quickest way to ensure that you won't be invited to his wedding. Pete spent three months of a six month sentence in jail for that one. He's also spent time in prison for assaulting documentary film maker, Max Carlish. Carlish filmed Doherty happily smoking heroin. After Doherty refused to allow the release of the documentary, Carlish sold the hard drug usin' photos to a tabloid. It was only his self-professed savior, Kate Moss, who allowed him to pull through his brief prison term.

"Prison was hell on earth. At night the noise was horrible and there is nothing more terrifying than the sound of a prison waking up. My cell stank of vomit and I felt the walls were closing in. I thought I was going to die. I felt like crying but the thought of Kate on the outside kept me going. I was going through hell because of my heroin cold turkey."

Kate Moss and her crackhead Pete has repeatedly trumpeted that Kate is the reason he's "gotten himself off drugs." Admirable of Ms. Moss to want a boyfriend who isn't a crackhead -- especially since she's got a two year old kid and all -- but the behavioral evidence fails to support very successful results. Prior to meeting her, Doherty delighted in telling stories about his days as a gay rent boy and stealing his dealer's car -- fully equipped with $365,000 in the trunk -- before being tracked down and hung by his feet outside of a 10-story building. His attempt at getting clean only saw a minor setback when Pete was kicked off Kate's friend's yacht this past June for smoking crack near the fuel tank. No biggie.

His former girlfriend, Katie Lewis, has warned Kate to stay away from the "troubled rocker" (I love media-speak). Lewis says,

"There was the night at the beginning of 2004 he was so out of his head he slashed my arm with a razor blade. "The cut was so deep you could see the bone and I had to go to the Royal Free Hospital in London to have seven stitches. To see the man you love out of control was terrifying."

Now that he's "quit" drugs -- a term that seems to have a different definition for Pete than the rest of the general public -- he's been living a glorious life with Kate. The happy couple are now engaged. Doherty says:

Kate Moss
"Yes, it's true, I have asked her to marry me -- and she's agreed. I told her that if we were to continue going out with each other then she'd have to marry me."

"She assured me she doesn't trust me an inch -- and I'm a bit paranoid and insecure -- so we make a right pair. But she's one of the most beautiful women in the world, so who wouldn't be insecure? Thankfully she agreed to marry me."

Doherty also intends to impregnate Moss, provided she has eaten enough to ovulate this year.

Always wear your helmet, even when smoking heroin.
"We are trying for a baby together. I did do drugs but that's all in the past now. That's not me any more. My drug is babies now - I love them. I'm on top of the world and can't wait to settle down and have kids. We're already trying for a brother or sister for Lila [Moss' daughter]. I just can't help talking about her. I can't hold it in. I'm just so happy."

During his relationship with Katie Lewis, he conceived his daughter with Lisa Moorish (who also has a kid with Liam Gallagher of Oasis...talk about Brit groupie trash). Lisa Moorish has refused to allow him to see his own daughter due to his heroin habit. I guess he's got no other choice than to make another one.

The love betweens Doherty and Moss continues to flourish. He missed opening for Oasis because he was too busy getting his ass kicked by Moss on the Eurostar train on the way to the show (yes, Kate Moss -- all 61 pounds of her -- beat the shit out of a junkie). They later made up only to have Doherty's manager accuse Kate of trying to break up Baby Shambles. Another fist fight ensued. The modern day Yoko, Kate is now planning to record an album with her crackhead.

Pete Doherty

She recently dumped him (again), but was wooed back after he set his bed on fire to demonstrate his love for her. My favorite thing about Pete Doherty is that he will unabashedly smoke crack in front of reporters, film makers and babies (which have now replaced it as his drug of choice, mind you.) If you're going to be a junkie, go full bore. Get your crack and smoke it. Sell your dick to old queens at the bus station in order to get more. Live it up, relish it, knock up Kate Moss. (Does she even get her period?) Just keep the good stories coming for the rest of us to enjoy at your expense.

Cheers mate.

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