An Orgy of Olsen
June 14, 2004
My friend Dominic is slightly mad about calendars. So when I spied the 2004 Olsen
Twins edition in the Walden Books' window, I had to immediately buy it for
his birthday. I usually try not to patronize establishments run by the Christians...but
this was a necessary exception. Every time I passed by the store, their unrelenting
stares would grip my attention. Like the Sirens of Titans, their powers were
simply too great to resist. I broke down and spent the $12.95.
Any doubts about my purchase were completely erased as he joyfully tore off the wrapping
paper and exposed their twinness for all to behold. In moments, we soon discovered
the small print gracing the box marked June 13: Mary-Kate and Ashley turn 18.
Everyone knows about the purported "disturbing" websites that have been counting
down the big day to the Olsens' legal debut. What do they expect? The world has
had Olsens crammed down its throat since they were crawling around on the Full House
set's carpeting. They have the date emblazoned on their own licensed merchandise.
Of course perverts will pick up on this. Perverts like me and Dominic.
"We HAVE to have an Olsen Twins birthday party!"
I'm not into astrology, but this case warrants special mention: the Olsen evil is
further compounded by the fact that they were born under Gemini, the Twin Stars.
It is said that a Gemini has a dual-sided personality - one of virtue, the other
of unspeakable horrors. Therefore, this "good twin/bad twin" complex means that each
Olsen has, in addition to her real twin, a second evil twin. That translates to four
Olsens running amok in our streets. I think I'm going to be sick.
Our first step in planning the party was to journey to one of the pillars of the Olsen
Empire: Walmart. Where the hell was a Walmart? No one knew. I like
Target and go there semi-regularly, but Walmart? Ick. At least
Target spares its 85 year old employees the indignity of having to greet every
person who enters the store. There's no Walmart this close to San Francisco,
we scoffed. I was a bit chuffed to discover one less than 20 miles from my front
door. This was how we found ourselves in San Leandro on a balmy Sunday afternoon.
With the yawning maw of Walmart was before us, I could already see the semi-crippled
greeter just inside. Our mission: to fill our cart with as many Mary-Kate and Ashley
goods as we could find. We went straight for the girls' underwear department.
Dominic: "I don't think I should be in this section."
Me: "I don't think you should be either. Where's all the Olsen stuff!?"
But that's when we saw it, illuminated in a fluorescent ray of heavenly light:
a whole section dedicated to the betterment of young Walmart shoppers
everywhere -- the Mary-Kate and Ashley Sportswear Collection!
In a New York Minute, I quickly snapped up a red hot turquoise tank printed
with a picture of Our Lady Liberty. The words "Tough Girl" marched across my chest
and hot pink lacing ran up each side. This MK & A original espoused the highest
level of New York-style couture. It was meant to fit a 10-year-old. I guess they've
got big 10-year olds in Walmart world.
With the exception of what would become the centerpiece of my wardrobe, I was pretty
disappointed with the Walmart selection. I had expected the shelves to be
near collapse from the weight of everything from Olsen toilet seats to Olsen shoe
trees. They didn't even have the Olsen dolls (which -- never fear -- I later found
at Target. Screw you Walmart.) We were forced to leave with only a
few The Adventures of Mary-Kate and Ashley books and a video about soccer.
The next step involved a complete Olsenization of Dominic and Brandon's apartment.
Every picture frame (and there are a lot) soon sported a pair of smiling Olsens.
Olsens dressed like jockeys, Olsens in ski wear, Olsens rocking out with fake electric
guitars. Olsens of all ages staring from every nook and cranny. I printed gigantic
larger-than-life Olsen posters on the plotter at work (shhhh, don't tell). It would have been
extremely unwise to drop acid in such an environment.
No birthday party is complete without a cake. And that goes double for a twin party.
It became our goal to procure a photo cake. Surprisingly few stores still offer this
service. After hunting near and far, I finally located an Albertson's that would oblige
our request - complete with cherry filling. It really couldn't be any other way.
Last minute preparations included matching "I am the Cute One" buttons for Dominic and
Brandon. I opted for the demure "Tighter than an Olsen" pinned to the crotch of my pants.
A few balloons here, a flash forward picture of the Olsens as lesbian porn stars and
everything was in place.
I think people initially thought we were insane. After being immersed in all that is
Olsen for a week straight, one can lose perspective of how much is too much Olsen.
"Don't you people have jobs?"
It did not take long for the party to dissolve into a disgraceful mess of naked boys,
scattered lemon wedges and empty vodka bottles. The dolls ended up having a 'rasslin
death match in the cake (Ashley won). Brandon and Dominic's apartment smelled like a butt.
Since the party, I've noticed that my left eye won't stop twitching. I've had several
Olsen sightings on the street, in my spaghetti and crouching behind a dumpster in the
park. But don't worry about me - I'll be alright once the sedatives kick in.
Happy Birthday Mary-Kate and Ashley!