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An Orgy of Olsen

June 14, 2004

The Olsen Twins My friend Dominic is slightly mad about calendars. So when I spied the 2004 Olsen Twins edition in the Walden Books' window, I had to immediately buy it for his birthday. I usually try not to patronize establishments run by the Christians...but this was a necessary exception. Every time I passed by the store, their unrelenting stares would grip my attention. Like the Sirens of Titans, their powers were simply too great to resist. I broke down and spent the $12.95.

Any doubts about my purchase were completely erased as he joyfully tore off the wrapping paper and exposed their twinness for all to behold. In moments, we soon discovered the small print gracing the box marked June 13: Mary-Kate and Ashley turn 18.

Everyone knows about the purported "disturbing" websites that have been counting down the big day to the Olsens' legal debut. What do they expect? The world has had Olsens crammed down its throat since they were crawling around on the Full House set's carpeting. They have the date emblazoned on their own licensed merchandise. Of course perverts will pick up on this. Perverts like me and Dominic.

"We HAVE to have an Olsen Twins birthday party!"

I'm not into astrology, but this case warrants special mention: the Olsen evil is further compounded by the fact that they were born under Gemini, the Twin Stars. It is said that a Gemini has a dual-sided personality - one of virtue, the other of unspeakable horrors. Therefore, this "good twin/bad twin" complex means that each Olsen has, in addition to her real twin, a second evil twin. That translates to four Olsens running amok in our streets. I think I'm going to be sick.

The Olsen Twins Our first step in planning the party was to journey to one of the pillars of the Olsen Empire: Walmart. Where the hell was a Walmart? No one knew. I like Target and go there semi-regularly, but Walmart? Ick. At least Target spares its 85 year old employees the indignity of having to greet every person who enters the store. There's no Walmart this close to San Francisco, we scoffed. I was a bit chuffed to discover one less than 20 miles from my front door. This was how we found ourselves in San Leandro on a balmy Sunday afternoon.

With the yawning maw of Walmart was before us, I could already see the semi-crippled greeter just inside. Our mission: to fill our cart with as many Mary-Kate and Ashley goods as we could find. We went straight for the girls' underwear department.

Dominic: "I don't think I should be in this section."

Me: "I don't think you should be either. Where's all the Olsen stuff!?"

But that's when we saw it, illuminated in a fluorescent ray of heavenly light: a whole section dedicated to the betterment of young Walmart shoppers everywhere -- the Mary-Kate and Ashley Sportswear Collection!

The Olsen Twins In a New York Minute, I quickly snapped up a red hot turquoise tank printed with a picture of Our Lady Liberty. The words "Tough Girl" marched across my chest and hot pink lacing ran up each side. This MK & A original espoused the highest level of New York-style couture. It was meant to fit a 10-year-old. I guess they've got big 10-year olds in Walmart world.

With the exception of what would become the centerpiece of my wardrobe, I was pretty disappointed with the Walmart selection. I had expected the shelves to be near collapse from the weight of everything from Olsen toilet seats to Olsen shoe trees. They didn't even have the Olsen dolls (which -- never fear -- I later found at Target. Screw you Walmart.) We were forced to leave with only a few The Adventures of Mary-Kate and Ashley books and a video about soccer.

The next step involved a complete Olsenization of Dominic and Brandon's apartment. Every picture frame (and there are a lot) soon sported a pair of smiling Olsens. Olsens dressed like jockeys, Olsens in ski wear, Olsens rocking out with fake electric guitars. Olsens of all ages staring from every nook and cranny. I printed gigantic larger-than-life Olsen posters on the plotter at work (shhhh, don't tell). It would have been extremely unwise to drop acid in such an environment.

The Olsen Twins No birthday party is complete without a cake. And that goes double for a twin party. It became our goal to procure a photo cake. Surprisingly few stores still offer this service. After hunting near and far, I finally located an Albertson's that would oblige our request - complete with cherry filling. It really couldn't be any other way.

Last minute preparations included matching "I am the Cute One" buttons for Dominic and Brandon. I opted for the demure "Tighter than an Olsen" pinned to the crotch of my pants. A few balloons here, a flash forward picture of the Olsens as lesbian porn stars and everything was in place.

I think people initially thought we were insane. After being immersed in all that is Olsen for a week straight, one can lose perspective of how much is too much Olsen.

"Don't you people have jobs?"

The Olsen Twins It did not take long for the party to dissolve into a disgraceful mess of naked boys, scattered lemon wedges and empty vodka bottles. The dolls ended up having a 'rasslin death match in the cake (Ashley won). Brandon and Dominic's apartment smelled like a butt.

Since the party, I've noticed that my left eye won't stop twitching. I've had several Olsen sightings on the street, in my spaghetti and crouching behind a dumpster in the park. But don't worry about me - I'll be alright once the sedatives kick in.

Happy Birthday Mary-Kate and Ashley!

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