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Flick Does Fuck Flicks

September 11, 2004

Robert Downey Jr. stars in the Adventures of a Crack Addict, Part I I've wet my whistle on various former child stars: Danny Pintauro, Ralph Macchio and Tina Yothers to name a few. These kid stars were exactly that; they never carried their careers into adulthood. The Natalie Portmans and Jerry O'Connells who managed to successfully evolve from kid to adult roles are few and far between. The majority of child actors end up as junkie/alcoholics (Furlong, Phoenix, Haim, Feldman, Barrymore, Phillips, Downey Jr.) anorexic/bulimics (Bateman, Ricci, Gold, Olsen) or just as general fuck-ups (the Culkin family & the entire Diff'rent Strokes cast).

Schtuck, schtuck, SCHTUK! It's time to put the spotlight on a former child actor whose adult acting career has not just been HOT, but also, SWEATY. He is best known as Eric Bates, Richard Pryor's owner and pint-size torturer in The Toy (1982) and poor Flick, who drew our grudging sympathy when his tongue was frozen to, and torn from, a flag pole in A Christmas Story (1983).

I'm a Slave 4 U

What's he doing now? There's no sugar coating this one: Flick does fuck flicks.

Scotty's X-Rated Adventure
So he's in porn; but can we call him a "star?" At the tender age of 21, seven years after Flick first brought tears of pity to the eyes of many a mid-western grandmother, Scott Schwartz leapt face first into in his debut adult straight-to-video feature, Beauty and the Beast 2 (1990). By his third film he struck gold with the equivalent of a Porn Oscar: a 1997 AVN Award for "Best Non-Sexual Performance" in Silver Screen Confidential (Wicked Pictures, 1996). That's certainly worth some credibility. Other "hits" include Scotty's X-rated Adventure (1996), New Wave Hookers 5 (1997), The Wrong Snatch (1997) and Dirty Bob's Xcellent Adventures 35 & 36 (both 1997).

Hot Dog, it's Ricky Shroder! Scott was not a teen heart throb and was not featured in Bop! or Tiger Beat. His lack of teen glossy glory is partly because he wasn't the most attractive kid. Unlike Ricky Shroder, Hotdog did not put him on its cover. Scott Schwartz was more on par with Partridge Family-era Danny Bonaduce and Rupert Grint, that red-haired kid who plays Ron in the Harry Potter movies. Rupert has recently developed a full-blown case of Fred Savage Syndrome. This Rupert Grint disease, which most frequently affects child actors of the male sex, is sometimes predictable and almost always fatal. Until the ages of 12 - 14, the boy is a normal-looking child whose worst features might be pudgy cheeks or a few ill-placed freckles. However, as the disease takes hold, drastic changes seem to happen overnight. Eyebrows suddenly grow together. Noses don't quite match the rest of the face. Downy upper lips are transformed into landmines Danny Bonaduce, el Seductor of prickly hair explosions. Moles appear. Back hair sprouts. Don't be misled; the symptoms of Fred Savage Syndrome are often confused with the onset of puberty. The severity of the condition is not always evident until it has progressed too far. Victims may suffer public disdain and ridicule; producers and agents will not return phone calls; they have to audition instead of simply being given roles in films and pilots; and in the worst case, they find themselves flailing in dead-end sit-com roles that eventually kill careers once and for all. Drug and alcohol abuse is common.

Others now living with the disease include Frankie Muniz and Haley Joel Osment. Please keep them in your prayers.

Now, the real-life experience that ties it all together.
Drugs also adversely effect fashion sense. A couple years ago I was obsessed with collecting 8 x 10 photos of random has-been celebrities - particularly the Coreys. (I'm still looking for a good Mindy Cohn if you've got one). Despite getting photos of Circus of the Stars-era Scott Baio & Brooke Shields, Judith Light and Joan Collins, the primary focus was always to amass as many Feldmans and Haims as possible. I want to be clear that the Corey thing is not because I like looking at them; it's just that the sad saga of their lives makes for such great conversation. Photos with BOTH of them with BOTH signatures were obviously the most coveted. It was very important that the signatures were original and I soon became a Haim handwriting expert. Don't be too impressed; his signature Corey Feldman resembles that of a drunk four year old. Fakers are not really a problem; I personally don't know many people who have access to a toddler with a taste for Old Crow and who can also hold a Sharpie. If you've got a wino pre-schooler on yours hands, you best set that kid to work. Whoever made child labor laws was an asshole.

One day I was furtively cruising eBay at work and lucked out by finding one of the rare double-signed Corey-Corey buddy photos taken during the days when they were sharing needles and prostitutes. Good times, good times!

Haim: H-hey, man, can you spot me a $20....ya know, cause my Prayer of the Roller Boys check doesn't come for another three weeks and I just gotta get through this bad patch ya know...so, like, just more one hit until I go straight. I'm fuckin dyin over here.

Feldman: Huh? Oh sorry...I can't help you dude. You know I'm broke. You never should have broken it off with Alyssa.

Haim: Just give me some money, man! I gave you that eight ball that time at the Viper Room...you know, like when River was there and stuff. And those poppers! You fuckin owe me.

Feldman: Dude, why don't you just have Robert Downey suck your dick again...you know he pays up.

Haim: Fuck. Ok. But I'm going to have to use your works again.

Feldman: Alright, as long as you give me a ride over to the free clinic sometime soon...it's been burnin' again when I piss.

Corey and Corey together again

This photo is from the 2004 Comic-Con in San Diego. The latest: Corey Feldman recently became a father and Corey Haim became fat.

So having found the photo that I'd been seeking for so long, I immediately emailed Dan, pleading with him to place a bid. You see, due to my zeal in the pursuit of Operation Corey Collection, I was, at that time, temporarily poverty stricken.

Help me, Obi-wan Danobi, you're my only hope!

He did and it was good.

When you win something on eBay, sellers normally send it to you within a week or so. In this case, two weeks had passed and I was started to get pissed. A delay in such gratification was unacceptable. Like the Coreys, I too, needed my fix.

Did you say there'd be heroin? The seller kept giving these bullshit excuses as to why the photo had not yet arrived. Keep in mind, this person already had our money and we were completely at his mercy. I once got ripped off on yet another Corey photo...I'm starting to feel a bit pathetic admitting this publicly, but it is what it is. That seller stole from me, plain and simple. Fucker.

After another week or so, the seller finally fessed up to what was really going on. He had dropped the Corey photo and rolled over it with his desk chair, ruining it. I was devastated.

The seller seemed to feel pretty bad about what had happened -- especially when he found out that a girl, not Dan, was actually on the receiving end of the transaction. Now, Dan is a pretty amiable fellow and promised to not leave negative feedback if the seller could simply refund his money. (If you're not an eBay aficionado, the feedback thing is a really BIG DEAL. It's kind of like when you were in high school and everyone wanted to have the most yearbook signatures.)

Seller: What's your girl's name?

Dan: Uh, Lisa.

Seller: Alright, thanks again for being so understanding. There's going to be a little extra something...just because you were cool about this.

When the package arrived, sure enough, there was the yellow credit card receipt and - what's this? - an 8 x 10 black & white of Flick with his tongue stuck to the pole...huh? We turned the photo over and saw in hastily scrawled script:

To Dan & Lisa,
All the Best.
Love, Scott Schwartz

Scott Schwartz
This was...AWEsome! Without even trying, we'd procured the autographed photo of an 80's has-been AND a porn star (hell, I'll give him "star" at this point). Who woulda thunk that he's got a successful movie memorabilia store on eBay to boot? Needless to say, he got glowing feedback from us.

*      *      *     *      *

Skin Walker

Scott Schwartz's current film, Skin Walker (2004), is sure to be a smash. I don't know what it's about, but it also stars RuPaul in his man form and Joey Buttafuoco. That's enough to start generating an Oscar buzz. So, Scotty, if you're reading this: keep up the good work and the, well, you know...

I leave you with an image of this year's birthday present from Dan. In oils, painted by a friend of a friend, I give you: Corey & Corey & Conrad. If these three can peacefully coexist, I'd say the state of the world isn't as bad as the Rebulican party would like us to think.

The Holy Trinity

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