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Get Back Into Shape with Sears

March 20, 2005

The Summer of '84 is nearly upon us. It's time to brush off the tired gloom of a long winter and reemerge as the brand new you. This bathing suit season, hit the sand and surf with a fit and toned figure. Remember: no one likes a fatty -- especially at the beach. Jump on the fitness bandwagon and get in shape with Sears! Jogging, sit-ups and leg curls are all well and good, but your workout shouldn't suffer from dull and listless fashions. We've got the hottest in hip exercise fashions and accessories. Check it out -- there's more for your life at Sears!

Pat Benatar

Don't Let Flab Ruin Your Fab!

You'll want to have the perfect beach body to oil up in front of the underage lifeguards. Before you start showing that summer skin, you've got to get in shape! Get fit and fabulous in these lovely leotards! Full-fashioned leotards in a tantalizing array of colors and styles. Made of comfortable Lycra, these natty numbers are sure to get you noticed! *Endorsed by Pat Benatar.

Line up in our lovely leotards!

Available in Small, Medium and Large. Tights and legwarmers sold separately.

Tab gives you pep!
Sears Work-out Tip #37 During exercise, always be sure to drink plenty of Tab. The caffeine gives you energy and pep and -- don't worry -- at zero calories, it won't add to your saddlebags!

Dotted tank leotard with high v-cut elastic legs available in periwinkle, black and red............................18.99

Spaghetti strap camisole leotard in solid colors. Criss cross back straps. Available in black, fuchsia wine, periwinkle, bright blue and red..................................13.00

Color spliced leotard with takes the dullness our of a work-out.
Nylon and Lycra spandex............................18.00

Mind those love handles, girls! Midriff T with body-trunk suit. Available in black and red. T-shirt..............10.00 Body Trunk............12.00

Like It Sweaty? If you need to lose the extra water weight gained during that last unwanted pregnancy, our comfortable unisex PVC Exercise Suit is just the ticket! With elasticized cuffs and neck and electronically welded seams, it helps keep you warm and limber while you stew in a pool of your own juices!

Sizes (chest/bust in inches): S(34-36); M (38-40); L (42-44); XL (46-48)


Even Transgender "Girls" Can Get Into the Fun

Whether you're a transgendered gal facing the complication of newly budding breasts or simply the victim of yo-yo dieting and weight fluctuations, the Sears Cling-a-long collection will adapt to your freakishly changing body. Made from pressed nylon yarn, our leotards and tights are designed to last work-out after work-out. A waist belts aids in the appearance of "womanly" hips, while the diagonal sling-strap body suit adds allure. Super stretchable and super durable. No one will know that you don't actually have a vagina! Specially endorsed by Jennifer Baker (formerly James).

Sleeveless pinch front leotard, S, M, L..............7.50

Short sleeve scoop neck leotard........9.50

Sling-strap body suit............10.00

Sears Work-out Tip #18 A headband is both stylish and sensible. Sears stocks a wide assortment of terry cloth and cotton varieties. Be sure to use an astringent like Bonnie Bell's Ten-O-Six Lotion to deter the onset of unsightly whiteheads. May be a choking hazard. Ages 10 and over recommended.

Warm and Tight Height of fashion:  legwarmer style Striped legwarmers and shimmering tights compliment any Sears leotard. Legwarmers are designed to "stay" or "bunch". Much like a shiny sausage casing, our tights are reinforced at the heal and toes. Squeeze those thighs

Both available in Bright blue, lilac, periwinkle, gray, black, pink, red

Legwarmers, one size.....Pair 6.00.........Two or more 5.50

Tights S, M, L, XL........Pair 6.00........Two or more 5.50

We Can See the Pink!

Think Pink

A stylish stripe motif set on a solid background will show those muscle men you mean business. A cotton-lined crotch will ensure that your business doesn't show. Stripe pattern leads the eye away from camel toe. The rope belt accentuates the waist. Elastic neck, high cut legs. Imported. Legwarmers and headband sold separately.

Also available in dusty blue and lilac. Sizes S, M, L or XL


Striped headband and legwarmers.......Set 10.00

Ride 'em, Cowgirl
Sears Work-out Tip #7 Proper stretching helps to prevent injury. A strong, limber back is essential for correct positioning while doing the Reverse Cowgirl.

Tramp not included


Make sure you're equipped with the latest in exercise technology. The Jog-N-Tramp is the perfect way to tone calves and thighs while making your boobies bounce ever so subtly. It will probably end up in your basement next to the sump pump, but just entertain the notion -- for a moment -- that you might actually use it. Bouncy bouncy? You bet!

Tramp not included. Please, no more phone calls.


Jiggle it, just a little bit

Belt Massage Those Trouble Spots

Disco may be dead, but you can still shake that booty! Get double the burn, double the chafe with the Sears Best Belt Massager! One 3-in and one 4-in wide cotton belt with reinforced leather tips. Two sturdy posts provide stability and a carpeted wood platform offers yet another surface to get gummed up with the kids' Play-doh (see Sears toy section).

Belt Belt Massager...............229.99

Replacement Belts...............19.99

Win the Fitness Race Cocaine will not improve performance...well, yes it will. Go the extra mile on our best selling exercise bike. Strong welded steel frame with attractive enamel finish won't snag leotards. Vinyl-covered padded seat, plastic hand grips. WARNING: Collapse from exhaustion and heart attack has been reported in rare cases. Sears does not condone the use of cocaine as an exercise stimulant. If you experience symptoms of erratic heartbeat, cold sweats, lightheadedness, breathlessness, pain in the chest, legs or arms, post nasal drip, please discontinue the use of cocaine. Deluxe digital monitor sold separately.

Bike alone..............129.99

With Deluxe Digital Monitor.........249.98

How do my pecs look to you, Mary?

Don't Stop Til You Get Enough

The workout doesn't always stop in the gym. If you need to squeeze in an extra few reps while hanging with the girls in the hot, steamy locker room, be sure to slip into our comfortable Sports Bra. No hooks, only soft and resilient spandex and padding. Cups lined with spun polyester. This bra conforms to you where you most need it. It also keeps big ole floppy titties in check. Machine Wash. Imported. Feel the burn! Beige and white. State size 32-24; 36-38; 40-42.

Cups B, C...............7.50
D Cup................8.50

Don't be a cut up
Sears Work-out Tip #45 Self esteem comes from within. Always compare yourself to your neighbor with a judgmental eye. If she is fatter than you, congratulate yourself. If you fall short, go into your closet and cut yourself with the sewing scissors. Piggies deserve to bleed.

Checkers, anyone?

Cool Down

Your active life takes center stage in these colorful separates. Our elasticized waist pant and zip front jacket provides ultimate comfort whether you're cooling down after a vigorous workout or just playing checkers in the convalescent home. The ribbed piping and rib knit cuffs are the flashpoint of style. Do not wear near open flame. King me!

Available in violet, royal, bright green, black and red.
Sizes S, M, L. Misses S (8-10); M 12-14); L (16-18)



Fungus be gone!

Sears Work-out Tip #12 Yeast infections start in dark, dank places. Be sure to aerate your nether regions with our breathable tulip shorts. Even as you sweat, your delicates will remain fungus free.

I tried to stop him, but he still touched my pee pee.

Deter Homosexual Predators

Moms, protect your sons from the sick and perverted clutches of the predatory homosexual. Be sure that your big boy has maximum mobility in these attractive crop tops. He will be able to outrun those queers before they can destroy him by making him one of their own. Made by Converse, these separates are ready for play, sporting action or just to make a statement.

May not deter overly affectionate uncles. But of course, you don't have such "problems" in your family. Kevin only had that one indiscretion in 1981...he promised it would never happen again.

Sizes S(8); M(10-12); L(14-16); XL(18-20)

Sleeved crop knit shirt, black or gray...............8.00

Sleeveless knit shirt, black or gray...............10.00

Converse short, navy or red...............8.00

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