May 1985 Seventeen Magazine Ads

The first copy of Seventeen magazine hit stands in 1944. The timing was perfect -- the gals needed something to do while they waited for their brave Boys in Blue to return from killing the Japs and Krauts. Early issues preached the doctrine of the perfect upside-down cake, how to set a proper table, the Easter dinner centerpiece, the etiquette of hat wearing (a lady never leaves the house without her gloves and hat) and the general expectations of a post-war bride.

Despite the cultural changes over the past 61 years, one thing has remained constant. From the very beginning, ads aimed at young female readers were a mainstay of the publication. This equates to thousands of ads for menstrual products, "sensitive area" hair removal, clothing and make-up. I recently acquired a copy of Seventeen from May 1985 and enjoyed the trip back to big hair, bold eye shadow and burly eyebrows.

The ads can generally be grouped into the following categories:

• Musk




• Your Body, Your Period




• Removing Hair "Down There"




• Skin Care




• Hair Care




• Clothing & Accessories




• Nail Care & Make-up




• Your Future, Your Memories

Musk

Musk was all the rage in the 80's. Bringing out your animal side was deemed attractive and, apparently, so was smelling like one. Case in point, musk is defined as,

"A greasy secretion with a powerful odor, produced in a glandular sac beneath the skin of the abdomen of the male musk deer and used in the manufacture of perfumes."

Count me in.

Musk became big business; even celebrities released their own versions of the heady scent. When animal magnetism is the topic, one immediately thinks of...Joan Collins. At the height of her Dynasty fame, Joan Collins' Scoundrel Musk debuted. We know she played mega-bitch Alexis Carrington on the prime-time soap, but isn't naming your musk "Scoundrel" a bit much?

Musk

It's always most relaxing when one can recline, naked, in the foliage and bask in a cloud of aerosol fumes.

Musk

Again, playing blatantly upon the "animal attraction" factor. Adam and Eve are most famously remembered for smearing themselves with Coty Wild Musk and cavorting through the Garden of Eden. Those crazy kids.

Your Body, Your Period

I don't think Seventeen (or any of its counterparts) could exist if women didn't bleed once a month for five-to-seven days. Tampons, pads, panty liners, PMS meds, anti-bloating and water retention pills, solutions for those "not so fresh feeling" days, feminine deodorant sprays and mood stabilizers are in our faces at every turn.

Here is 80's poster girl, Christie Brinkley, out on the town feeling fresh and Carefree. I didn't realize that Christie strayed from her Cover Girl contract in order to use her fresh and clean vagina to sell panty shields. This does make perfect sense because, as a Supermodel, only flowers and kittens are emitted from her delicates. Regardless, she'd have to be hemorrhaging to leak through the sixteen layers of satin and taffeta of that bubblegum-pink horror. Oops, I mean seventeen -- her Carefree Panty Shield adds that extra layer of protection.

Your Body, Your Period

"But...will I still be a virgin if I use a tampon?"

"No, Susie, you are a dirty, dirty whore. Now go wash yourself and repent."

Your Body, Your Period

Even if it's "practically invisible," the stink of womanhood shall serve as a bitter reminder that you are unclean.

Your Body, Your Period

Playtex feasts upon the fear and insecurity of the vulnerable young girl. Lower lip quivering, she screams, "Are you there God, it's me Margaret!"

Your Body, Your Period

Too young at age 35?

Your Body, Your Period

We can't overlook the ad that demonstrates the superior absorbency of one brand over another using the ubiquitous blue liquid. Feel like you're wearing a diaper? That's exactly what it is; a big floppy diaper to soak up your shame.

Removing Hair "Down There"

Ads for creams, roll-ons, waxes, razors and other methods of depilatory usually feature a crotch close-up. Just a faceless, nameless groin region...which is how the fellas see you anyway, ladies. He doesn't care what your name is; just give him the sugar. Keep it Neet and orderly; no one likes a hirsute savage.

Removing Hair "Down There"

More crotches -- except this time you can win a bitchin' Fiero!

Removing Hair "Down There"

Go as Bare as You Dare! The more you resemble an eleven year old, the better.

Removing Hair "Down There"

Jolen Creme Bleach: for the ladies with the mustaches. Oh, hell. We all know I'm talking about the Greeks.

Skin Care

Courteney Cox is cute as a button in this Noxzema ad. Fresh from her performance in The Boss' Dancin' in the Dark video, Courteney hooked up with Noxzema to promote a healthy glow. Then Arquette got his meathooks into her and it was all over.

Skin Care

I used Sea Breeze once and was stricken to the house for several days waiting for the angry inflamed rash to disappear. You're better off washing your face with Cousin Dale's moonshine.

Hair Care

Mousse: a staple of the 80's hair care regimen. The frothing white foam pumping into your palm was a rehearsal for what happened later in the back of Tony's IROC-Z in the deserted parking lot behind JC Penney.

Dear Mary Lou,

It's been over a year since you won your gold medal. I think the excitement can be tempered down a few notches. The Olympics are over. The perky can be put away. Please.

Love,

The USSR Gymnastics Team

Hair Care

Ooooooooohhhh, Alberto!

Hair Care

Can Dippity-do top this sass? I don't think so.

Hair Care

I confess...I had these. So did you. Admit it.

Hair Care

If Styling Stix don't deliver the desired curl, you can destroy your hair permanently with the Conair Home Perm. If you'd also like to be a blonde, a little peroxide soaking will do the trick. Your hair will thank you for it.

Clothing and Accessories

Esprit was the must-have brand. If you didn't have the canvas bag (with front logo-bearing pocket) you were nothing. A nobody. Don't even think about trying to sit at the popular kids' lunch table. They reserve the right to throw Yodels at your knock-off book bag.

This is Julia Gamick, Esprit's 25-year-old receptionist. Ms. Gamick has big plans for her future:

"When I was little I used to want to be Michael Jackson's wife (cough) because I liked the way he moved; now I just want to be a regular housewife to a rich man. I go out dancing with my girlfriends and we check out the guys, but I don't have a boyfriend because they're afraid of getting hurt. I love Esprit because I have two good looking supervisors who I drool over everyday. In regard to style, I just wear whatever's clean."

Flash forward: Today you can find Ms. Gamick stocking the feminine protection aisle at a suburban Walgreens.

Clothing and Accessories

Reebok embraces the nuclear power age by going radioactive.

Clothing and Accessories

Remember when Ocean Pacific was hot? Uh huh. I think they sell it at Wal-Mart now.

Clothing and Accessories

This ad for Playboy in a magazine aimed at teenage girls serves as a reminder that if job options are scant after graduation, you can always sell what yer mama gave you. With the Playboy Suntan Tattoo, you can get away with charging an extra five dollars. You're worth it.

Clothing and Accessories

The panty hose that hatched from an egg. Or should I say L'egg? Pure genius.

Clothing and Accessories

Many teenagers in 1985 spent their time loitering in the girls' locker room, a skimpy towel or long flowing tresses barely covering their pert young breasts. They massaged each other's sore spots and discussed the breathablility of the cotton fiber blend of their Lollipop panties. ...What? Of course they did! Where the hell were you?

Clothing and Accessories

Yep, he's gay.

Clothing and Accessories

Did they have to bring in the fucking horse? Goddammit -- was this produced in Germany? I think I'm going to be sick.

Clothing and Accessories

Ladies and gentleman, you're looking at a future forty-five-year-old virgin.

Nail Care and Make-up

Here's Christie again, hawking an arsenal of Cover Girl products. What do you think Billy Joel sounded like when he orgasmed?

Nail Care and Make-up

The myriad of mascara colors available in the 80's were head-spinning. Royal Blue only scratches the surface. Teal, Lavender, Hunter Green, Aqua, Gold, Pink Eye -- lashes never had it so lush! And then women realized that it was acutely ugly.

Nail Care and Make-up

I'm happier with my chewed nubs than with Krazy Nails. Mostly because they spell crazy with a "K".

Nail Care and Make-up

Part I of the Boy George look-alike campaign: Revlon

Boy George's influence on the fashion and make-up industry is indisputable. His look kicked off a cosmetics campaign of infinite proportions.

Nail Care and Make-up

Part II of the Boy George look-alike campaign: Loreal
Loreal may have it by a hair. Sorry Revlon, nice try.

Your Future, Your Memories

Allow me to transcribe this text as it's important to take to heart. Ahem, here goes:

Inside your Lane Cedar Chest, next to blankets and sweaters and practical things like that, you'll tuck a multitude of memories. A pressed and still faintly fragrant corsage. A scrapbook. A photograph album. The letters he wrote you. Your mother's wedding veil, which soon you'll wear. Someday, a baby's christening robe, a tiny pair of shoes, a little girl's smocked dress. Treasures that will remind you over and over of all the touching moments of your life.

What if a starry-eyed girl invests in a Lane Cedar Chest and later finds that her field is fallow where seed can find no purchase? There will never be "a tiny pair of shoes" or "smocked dress." Lane also does not take into account whether a girl is a heathen (Jew) who will never host a christening. Lane could refund the money for the chest...but how will they pay for the memories that can never be?

Your Future, Your Memories

And then the beatings began. Followed by the pleas of mercy. A shot. He will be remembered fondly.

Your Future, Your Memories

The horror, the horror.

In closing, I'd like to commemorate Tab, the no-calorie soft drink alternative. It's got Sass!