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Stick Figure Man: Has the Messiah Come?

November 14, 2004

No man is as traumatized and abused as Stick Figure Man. Stick Figure Man is put through the daily pain of amputation, drowning, crushing, electrocution, bike accidents, slips and falls, plunges off of cliffs, explosions and the (repeated) deaths of his children. If his suffering isn't enough, his leisure activities are severely restricted; he is not permitted to pick flowers, go camping, swim, dive, enjoy boating, listen to music or even climb into the dumpster. Unfortunately these examples only scratch the surface of his constant suffering.

Why would any one man subject himself to this brand of sustained affliction? I'm glad you asked. It has recently come to light that, sadly, the Christians missed their cue over three decades ago. As it was largely accepted idea that the Messiah would make his triumphant return in the form of a blond, blue-eyed Jesus figure, no one noticed the quiet arrival of the dark and skeletal Stick Figure Man. Since the 1970s, he has been humbly cleansing humankind of its sins and misfortunes. He succumbs to the aforementioned torture and additional agonies so we, in fact, don't have to.

Stick Figure Man never complains. He does not cry out as the saw blade rips through the meatiest part of his upper arm. Not even a peep of protest can be So, that's where the baby went. heard as he's sucked into the wood chipper only to exit the other end in a million minute pieces of bloody gristle. No, even as his infant son's head is pulverized under the crushing weight of the tractor tire, Stick Figure Man is steadfast in his calm. We could all stand to learn a few lessons from Stick Figure Man; namely humility, self sacrifice and the will to love a body of people so much as to be continuously subjected to gratuitous episodes of mutilation and death. These lessons would come easily if we weren't so busy laughing.

Please take a few moments of silence for Stick Figure Man. His suffering enables us to be free.

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