Stick Figure Man: Has the Messiah Come?
November 14, 2004
No man is as traumatized and abused as Stick Figure Man. Stick Figure Man
is put through the daily pain of amputation, drowning, crushing, electrocution,
bike accidents, slips and falls, plunges off of cliffs, explosions and the
(repeated) deaths of his children. If his suffering isn't enough, his leisure
activities are severely restricted; he is not permitted to pick flowers, go
camping, swim, dive, enjoy boating, listen to music or even climb into the dumpster.
Unfortunately these examples only scratch the surface of his constant suffering.
Why would any one man subject himself to this brand of sustained affliction?
I'm glad you asked. It has recently come to light that, sadly, the Christians
missed their cue over three decades ago. As it was largely accepted idea that
the Messiah would make his triumphant return in the form of a blond, blue-eyed
Jesus figure, no one noticed the quiet arrival of the dark and
skeletal Stick Figure Man. Since the 1970s, he has been humbly cleansing
humankind of its sins and misfortunes. He succumbs to the aforementioned
torture and additional agonies so we, in fact, don't have to.
Stick Figure Man never complains. He does not cry out as the saw blade rips
through the meatiest part of his upper arm. Not even a peep of protest can be
heard as he's sucked into the wood chipper only to exit the other end in a
million minute pieces of bloody gristle. No, even as his infant son's head
is pulverized under the crushing weight of the tractor tire, Stick Figure Man
is steadfast in his calm. We could all stand to learn a few lessons from Stick
Figure Man; namely humility, self sacrifice and the will to love a body of
people so much as to be continuously subjected to gratuitous episodes of
mutilation and death. These lessons would come easily if we weren't so busy
Please take a few moments of silence for Stick Figure Man. His suffering enables
us to be free.
Peril by Sea
Shock It to Me
In a Bit of a Bind
A Crushing Blow
Down Will Come Baby
Watch Your Head
The Cutting Edge
Just Plain Shitty