Random thoughts on the Coreys
April 2, 2004
There were good 80's movies and then there were movies starring the Coreys.
As a duo, these two wrought teenie bopper havoc the likes of which Hollywood had
never seen. The power wielded by the team of Corey and Corey during their peak
was formidable, much like that of the Wonder Twins.
Every Corey fan has a bias and mine leans a little toward the Haim camp. Don't
get me wrong, Feldman has definite bright spots: His iron will to be Michael Jackson's
lackey and later attempts to actually be Michael Jackson provided a nice
segue way into the Corey Feldman Band (which we'll try to forget was ever
conceived). He saved Martha Plimpton from the octopus (Director's Cut my ass!)
and killed Alex Winter with a stake. All good stuff, but Haim simply has that
little extra je ne sais quoi that gets me going in the morning. You be
the judge: fledgling "rocker" who co-stars with Vince Neil and Vanilla Ice on
a FOX reality show or a junkie selling his rotted out molars on eBay. Advantage, Haim.
"Humans, the human body, or any human body parts may not be listed on eBay. Examples
of prohibited items include, but are not limited to: organs, bone, blood, waste, sperm,
and eggs. You may not include such items as a gift, prize, or giveaway in connection
with an item listed on eBay. Items that contain human hair (such as lockets) as
well as skulls and skeletons that are used for medical purposes may be listed on eBay."
I collect Coreys
My Corey photo salon is something I dare you to reckon with. Un-signed glossies need
not apply. During one eBay binge - this time to score a muthafucking FOUR Corey Haim
photos at once - I had occasion to correspond with the seller on topics reaching beyond
the mortal realm of Paypal and shipping. This well-intentioned gentleman had the good
fortune to live down the street from Corey in Toronto. He informed me that the source
of his stash was the Haimster himself. Specifically, he wanted to be sure I was aware
of the fact that Corey is a 30-year old, penniless, recovering drug addict who lives with his mom
and "isn't cute anymore."
Let's get two things straight:
If his soul is for sale I will buy it.
- I'M NOT PAYING YOU TO DESTROY MY FANTASIES.
- That is exactly why I must own the remnants of his glorious past.
Haim's star, like his brief Alyssa Milano romance, burned brightly until exploding
like a supernova, hurtling refuse like Prayer for the Rollerboys deep into
the outer reaches of space. His mistake: Ending the Corey Collaborative Front. I
wasn't there and it could have been Feldman. I suspect, however, that Haim got
a little too self assured in his "cute one" status. He honestly thought he could
make it a one Corey endeavor!
Of course, like anything else, there are exceptions to the Corey coupling rule: The Goonies,
a solo Corey venture, paired Feldman with the Truffle Shuffle. Lucas, starring
the other lone Corey, boasted Winona Ryder's waify screen debut.
(By the way: what ever happened to Kerri Green? She's probably taken the Texas
soccer mom path like Lisa Whelchel. Blair Warner R.I.P.)
But I don't think that, even with those solo successes, anyone would argue
that the Corey legacy is one of individual achievement.
The ideal situation was and always will be dual-Coreys. They have that phantom
limb phenomenon - Feldman wakes up screaming when Haim has that recurring Me, Myself & I
nightmare. Haim wakes up in Mother Canada with Billie Jean stuck in his
head. It's rumored in some circles that they share a few lymph nodes and sinew.
The Corey phenomenon has had long lasting effects. Dream a Little Dream One and Two,
License to Drive. Corey brilliantly spawned the careers for the likes of
Heather Graham and Meredith Salenger. You can't walk two feet
out your door without hearing about Meredith these days. Heather Graham never
would have sucked Marky Mark's enormous cock without that extra bit of Corey exposure.
The Lost Boys
Now for everyone's favorite. One Corey aims to teach the other Corey that his brother
is a varsity bloodsucker. Not only that, but his mom is getting poked by Max, King
of the Vampires himself! Watch out: Hounds of Hell!
As one half of the Brothers Frog, Feldman sports the unwashed rebel look. Meanwhile,
Haim seems to have a penchant for boxy women's suits and Miami Vice cast-offs.
Being 1987, this is about the time young Corey discovered it can snow any month of
the year if you've got 100 bucks. One can be sure there was no lack of powdery winter
wonderland in his studio trailer. Elves and reindeer danced in the shadows and on the heads of pins.
But the party didn't end with the Coreys! Let us not forget Keifer, Jamie Gertz
as Star and that fucking little troll boy, Laddie, she hauled around everywhere.
"Don't kill him - he's only a little boy!" Go back to the Children of the Corn set.
The Lost Boys trestle bridge
A friend living in Santa Cruz, near the actual bridge where the Lost Boys lived,
informed me that at night the infamous boardwalk comes alive with teenage
vampires. In between sticking needles under their toenails and calling each other "bra,"
these kids suck blood. If plasma is scarce, the Boardwalk's chili corn dogs also hit the spot
with a side of cheese on a stick. Ah, the life of a beach bumming vampire! Each night
they don plastic fangs and battle it out over a few rounds of Dance Dance Revolution
before calling it a dawn.
Through my job at an architectural firm, I've got the inside skinny
on the fate of the Lost Boys trestle. The local vampire population will soon have to
find another place to hang upside down and look pasty. As part of a new development plan
for Santa Cruz, it will soon be known as "THE FUN SPOT." I'm not making this up.
The Coreys are beginning to bore me
In conclusion, even though I could go on and on, what have the Coreys taught us at
the end of the day? Don't do speedballs. Don't spend your childhood with Michael
Jackson. Don't name your kid Corey.