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Time Bandits: Why is this movie not a classic?
June 14, 2004
In a world that willingly surrenders hard earned dollars to see Vin Diesel mushmouth
his way through two hour action sequences and honestly believes that the Wayans family
is funny, I guess it should come as no surprise that high quality work sometimes slips
through the cracks of our collective attention. That, however, makes it no less a
travesty. As the self appointed defender of public taste, I present to you one such
little remembered film. That a piece of art of such impeccably high low brow quality
has not attained cult status in this modern world of DVDs and MIRC/useNet pirating is
a dirty, low-down, rotten shame. Shame on you, America! Shame on us all.
Time Bandits, released in 1981 in the wake of Star Wars fueled sci-fi mania,
is the story of Kevin and the six dwarves and their adventures through time. Kevin,
our protagonist, is a perfectly normal pre-pubescent English boy. He hangs pictures
of armor clad knights on his bedroom walls and talks dreamily of the tens of ways
that the ancient Greeks were taught to kill with their bare hands. It is small wonder
then, that he has very little patience for his appliance obsessed parents and their
mind numbingly boring existence -- an existence which seems to revolve around watching
a game show on which old people are killed by drowning in large vats of custard.
One evening Kevin is unexpectedly visited in his bedroom by six rather unkempt
dwarves. They enter his bedroom through a time portal in his wardrobe, natch. They
proceed to beat on poor Kevin until escaping through another time portal in his bedroom
wall. The hasty retreat through time portal number two was necessitated by the coming
of the Supreme Being. Said Supreme Being is chasing them through time for stealing his map of the
universe. In the hustle to escape, Kevin enters the time portal with them, landing
in 19th century Italy.
Hilarity and hijinks ensue as Kevin and the pint sized bandits traipse
through time attempting to steal historical treasures in the most bumbling of fashions.
This cross century crime spree culminates in a final confrontation with pure Evil, a
mad, technology obsessed villain who is set on stealing the stolen map of the universe.
I suppose at this point it is prudent to mention that the film was directed by Terry
Gilliam, and written by Gilliam and Michael Palin of Monty Python fame. This,
in no small part, explains the story's strange humor and its most interesting and
varied cast. Let's talk about that cast for a moment, shall we?
Kevin and the Dwarves
Kevin is played by Craig Warnock and his parents by David Daker and Sheila Fearn, but
let's not dwell on that. No one really cares, least of all me. It's with the casting
of the dwarves (Randall, Fidgit, Strutter, Og, Wally and Vermin) that things begin
to get interesting.
The Dwarves
Randall, the head dwarf, is played by the late David Rappaport, who died of an self
inflicted gunshot wound to the chest in 1990. However, David didn't leave this world without
racking up credits including the television shows The Wizard and L.A. Law
and the Sting vehicle The Bride, in which I am fairly certain Jennifer Beales
gets naked. Flashdance indeed!
The roles of dwarves Fidgit and Wally reunite two of the most renowned dwarven actors in
sci-fi history - Jack Purvis and Kenny Baker. You see, Kenny Baker played not only
R2D2 in each of the Star Wars films, but was also Paploo the Ewok in Return of the Jedi. His colleague
in shortness, Jack Purvis, played the Chief Jawa in Star Wars, the Chief Ugnaught
in The Empire Strikes Back and Teebo the Ewok in Return of the Jedi!
Prior to banditing through time and warring in the stars, these two even starred together in
a two dwarf cabaret for years. Their longstanding partnership came to an unfortunate
end, however, when Purvis, already paralyzed from his involvement in a car accident,
died several years ago.
The amazing cast doesn't end with the little people, however.
The Players
Ian Holm
That's right, none other than Bilbo the Hobbit himself and star of the upcoming
Strangers with Candy movie plays French emperor and owner of a notoriously
small penis, Napoleon. Rumor has it that Napoleon's member was actually removed
and pickled after his death, as this quote from the
Napoleon's Penis page
(http://cg.scs.carleton.ca/~morin/misc/np/)
explains:
Napoleon's penis is said to have been taken from him by the Abbè who delivered
last rites. Since then it has been sold, inherited and auctioned many times.
The current whereabouts of Napoleon's penis is still a matter of some dispute, though
by most accounts it is in the posession of an american urologist named John Kingsley
Lattimer who paid $38,000 for it at a 1969 auction.
In addition to alledgedly owning
Napoleon's penis, Lattimer is famous for supervising the health of german war criminals
during the Nuremberg trials and writing several investigative pieces about the
assasinations of John F. Kennedy and Abraham Lincoln.
How fascinating.
Napoleon's penis, however, is not a player in Time Bandits, something I, for
one, am thankful for. In our film, the diminutive dictator is limited to promoting
the bandits to the rank of general for their stirring rendition of
Me and My Shadow, then getting drunk and passing out as the tiny generals
gank his shit and disappear into the annals of time.
John Cleese
Well, you had to see this one coming. Fellow Monty Python alum, John Cleese, makes a brief
appearance as the Prince of Thieves, making for perhaps the only common thread between
his career and that of Kevin Costner. Nothing I could say could trump one of the true
comedic masters at work, so rather than even try, I'll let Mr. Cleese do the talking:
| Robin Hood: |
The poor are going to be absolutely thrilled. Have you met them at all? |
| Randall: |
Who? |
| Robin Hood: |
The poor. |
| Randall: |
The poor? |
| Robin Hood: |
Oh, you must meet them. I just know you'll like them. Charming people. Of
course, they haven't got two pennies to rub together, but then, that's because
they're poor.
|
This immediately precedes a scene in which Robin distributes ill gotten wealth to a
mass of the unwashed as each is summarily punched in the face by one of his Merry Men.
Genius.
Michael Palin and Shelly Duval
These two play small, recurring roles as Vincent and Pansy. In each scene, Vincent
attempts to profess his love for Pansy but is rudely interrupted by
the bandits' falling out of a time portal and onto the ill fated lovers' heads. In
their first scene, Vincent and Pansy are riding in a picturesque horse drawn carriage,
discussing Vincent's love and erectile dysfunction when the bandits drop in. This causes
the carriage to crash. The pair is then tied to a tree, stripped naked and robbed
by the Merry Men of Master Cleese. So it goes.
David Warner
Perhaps less known, but no less deserving of recognition, David Warner plays pure Evil,
the aforementioned technology obsessed madman who seeks to steal the map of the
universe. Warner's prior acting repertoire includes many video game voiceovers, such as
Baldur's Gate II: Shadows of Amn and the RPG classic Fallout. In
addition to his work in games, Mr. Warner has done quite a bit of voice work
in cartoons, including Siegfried & Roy: Masters of the Impossible and
Captain Planet and the Planeteers.
Wait...
Captain Planet? Ok, he was doing pretty well up until that point. Did I
mention that he was also in Titanic? Fuck this guy, let's move on.
Sean Connery
The original Bond makes an appearance as King Agamemnon for just long enough to kill
a minotaur. Badass. He later appears as a winking fireman, but we'll get to that later.
Katherine Helmond
Looking surprisingly spry and young, Ms. Helmond (otherwise known as Judith Light's
cock hungry mother, Mona, from
Who's the Boss)
struts her saucy stuff as the wife of a sea faring ogre with nagging back pain. The
couple plans to make fondue of our heroes, but both she and her hirsute husband are
tossed overboard by the bandits before the feast can begin. The movie doesn't dwell,
but I can only suppose that this lead to a slow and agonizing death. Let's hope that
I suppose right.
Bull skull guardians of Evil
Ok, so this isn't really a cameo, as I suppose they're not really stars...but get
this: the henchman of Evil are really tall dudes with bull skulls for heads - AND
THEY SHOOT ROCKETS OUT OF THEIR EYES!!! How fucking cool is that?
Ralph Richardson
Ralph plays the Supreme Being. Richardson is best known (by me) for his work in
Doctor Zhivago, Dragonslayer and the original Rollerball. Throughout
most of the film he is represented by a scary disembodied head that chases the bandits
demanding that they return the map of the universe.
In his most important scene, the Supreme Being saves the day at the last second by
turning Evil into a statue of stone just before he has the opportunity to end the
bandits' quest in most evil and final fashion. He then, in a most aloof and British
manner, forgives his midget underlings and exits with them and the map of the universe,
leaving Kevin alone and confused. Thanks a lot, God. Are you too busy with Margaret
to provide Kevin with some closure, you big dick?
The Big Finale
So, after his big meeting with the Almighty, Kevin is left alone and pondering his fate
at the foot of a crumbled statue of pure Evil. He is miles, centuries and so many emotional
light years from his appliance obsessed family. His small, thieving friends are gone
and God gave him nary a smile before departing. What could possibly come next? How
can the filmmakers possibly wrap up all of these loose ends? The answer is simple,
dear readers:
It was all a dream...or was it?
Smoke begins to fill the room, clouding our view of the lost and distraught Kevin. We flash
to Kevin waking up in his modern day bedroom. The room is filled with smoke as firefighters
bust through his bedroom door and carry him to safety outside of his families burning
flat. His parents, clutching the toaster oven, argue about heading back into the
raging inferno to save yet another appliance. Kevin stares on in disbelief.
Was it real, or was it a dream?!? Kevin reaches into his ever present satchel and
retrieves the polaroids from his travels through time -- this was no dream! Just as
Kevin begins to comprehend the enormity of the adventure he has just been on, the
door of the toaster oven his parents cling to falls open, revealing a large chunk of
stone. Presumably this stone is the last remnants of pure Evil (as turned to stone by
God).
His parents, despite Kevin's pleas to do the opposite, touch the stone and explode.
Yes, you read that right. They explode. They explode and they're fucking dead because
they exploded. Kevin looks up, dumbstruck, just in time to see the firetruck driving
away. Sean Connery, in full fireman regalia, leans out of the truck and winks at our
newly annointed orphan.
Roll Credits.
Rather than try to summarize this glorious fucking movie full of midgets and God and
cameos and exploding parents with some witty reduction, I leave you with this:
WTF? TERRY GILLIAM, I LOVE YOU!
Five-Oh! Five-Oh!
-dsf |
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