Home | About | Links | Contact
SweatPantsErection.com SweatPantsErection.com SweatPantsErection.com

Tom Cruise Kicks Off Gay Pride Month with a New Girlfriend

June 6, 2005 He likes to fist.

Woo hoo! I love this woman! I love this magnificent woman!

Tom Cruise is on fire. He's got a burnin' in his loins that knows no calm.

By now if you've heard anything, you've heard Tom screaming from every rooftop how much he's "in love with" former Dawson's Creek waif, Katie Holmes. It's true. Tom hasn't stopped publicly professing his ardor for the "amazing" 26-year-old since they started "dating" a mere two months ago. I'm catching the fever...aren't you?

I am seducing you with my pecs. With the extensive amount of media coverage already blanketing the universe, perhaps I'm beating a dead horse by broaching this subject. Yet, being a slave to pop culture, I really can't help it. It's been worrying away at my insides like a burrowing badger. Not really, but haven't we been subjected to enough Tom Cruise torture?

Some suspect that the "relationship" is a publicity stunt to promote each star's summer blockbuster movie: War of the Worlds for the gentleman and Batman Begins for the lady. Other rumors state that Tom had a list of starlets with whom he wanted to comingle. Miss Holmes is said to have been numero cinco...not very high standings if you ask me. (Jessica Alba was supposedly his first choice...a little bit problematic given that she's engaged to another. But hey -- he's Tom-Fucking-Cruise. It's always worth a shot).

Then there's the meat that the mainstream dogs won't touch. Holmes (as well as de Morney, Rogers, Kidman, Cruz and others before her) is the most recent rising star to win the (coveted?) role of leading lady opposite Cruise in his continuously unfolding personal drama. Miss Holmes is the latest device to shroud the gay parade. I see Lifetime Original Movie written all over this.

How can this be? Tom has been twice married and has been linked to a number of Hollywood women. If you believe the tabloids, he's on the verge of making a marriage hat trick. So why am I making these preposterous homoshexshul claims? Let's take a look at the evidence.

The Early Years

Born July 3, 1962 as Thomas Cruise Mapother IV, Tom hails from Syracuse, NY. He has three sisters, one of whom, Lee Anne De Vette, functions as his publicist. He moved around a lot as kid, attending twelve different schools by the age of twelve. Then he hit puberty. Most fourteen year old I needed the money. boys are interested in three things: masturbating, girls and masturbating. Not Tom. Nope, he wanted to join the priesthood. He enrolled at St. Francis Seminary in Cincinnati, with aspirations to be one of the great, the pure, a man of God. (Insert priest molestation remark here.) Tom only lasted a year at the seminary. Tsk. He entered Glen Ridge High School in New Jersey, where he pursued wrestling (and presumably wrestlers).

Poor Tom. The rigors of wrestling proved to be too much for his fragile knee. Forced to hang up his jock, he got involved with the school's production of Guys and Dolls. He dropped out of high school and the rest is history. Well, except for that photo spread in Parlee, a gay porn rag distributed throughout New York and New Jersey. Cruise's people denied that he had done any such posing, but confirmed once they were informed that issues with pictures do still exist. How frustrating that they couldn't refute the irrefutable. I think I can see his balls.


Tom Cruise Dated Cher in 1985

Every drag queen's dream. A Tom Cruise reality.

The Lawsuits

Tom is a big action star. Being gay doesn't go over well if you want to make movies that middle Americans will take their wives and mistresses to see. "As MSNBC columnist Jeannette Walls described in an entire chapter of her 2000 book,"Dish" , publicists have had to make sure that magazine writers and other journalists do not ask Tom Cruise about the gay rumors surrounding him -- often by threatening the magazines' editors from having access to other stars. For Hollywood's titans, having a discussion of the Cruise gay rumors -- even if they are not true -- would raise the issue of why Hollywood is so afraid of having openly gay leading men, and that's a discussion they do not want to broach."

The last thing you want to do is accuse Tom of being gay. He will sue your ass off. He'll pound into you -- over and over (and over) again -- until you're left panting and bleeding on the floor. Only then will he remove the ball gag. Just look at what happened to Kyle Bradford.

Kyle Bradford, erotic wrestler Tom got a bit more hot and bothered than usual when, in 2001, he filed a $100 million (yes, that's eight zeroes kids) lawsuit against "erotic wrestler," Kyle Bradford (aka Chad Slater...real name Phil Notaro). In an interview with international magazine, Acustar, Mr. Bradford claimed not only to have had an affair with Tommy, but that Nicole Kidman walked in on them, prompting the end of their marriage.

"[Cruise] is a great respecter of homosexual rights, but he's not gay, and he's ready to prove this in court," Fields [Cruise's lawyer] said at the time . "Tom is tired of it and it hurts his children. It's something that will be there forever. And damn it, he's going to stop it."

I am completely and totally heterosexual. FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS -- NOT THE CHILDREN!!!!

How does one "prove" his hetero status in a court of law? An impromptu sex show for the jury's benefit? Or perhaps an examination of his "straight" and untainted butthole? Will he resist or will he succomb to the opening strains of I Will Survive?

The magazine later retracted the story. Kyle himself confessed that "he'd never talked to Acustar or even met Cruise". Faced with a $100 million court battle, I'd say that too. I'd probably say anything. MY MOTHER IS A DIRTY WHORE. Oops, I'm not the one on trial here.

Kristina Notaro, Kyle Bradford's ex-wife (a woman) was also named in the lawsuit after she gave an exclusive interview to The Enquirer claiming that her marriage to the "erotic wrestler" ended when he told her he'd had an affair with Cruise. (gasp!) Kristina told The Enquirer,

"In 1999, Chad went through some drastic changes. We were apart a lot. I was editing a film and he was building a website focusing on his new hobby -- wrestling. Then one day he came home bursting with news. Chad told me, 'Guess what! I just wrestled Tom Cruise!"

"He told me he was approached by Tom on the Internet. He said Tom saw his Kyle Bradford website and contacted him to wrestle. They met at the Century Plaza Hotel for a wrestling match in one of the rooms. From that point on, Chad was always walking to and from the Century Plaza Hotel where was meeting with Tom. Chad told me that Tom would take a hotel room uder an alias and place a bodyguard at the door. Then they would take mattresses off the beds and put them on the floor so they could wrestle."

Tom does love himself some wrestling, after all.

Tom was eventually awarded $10 million as a result of Kyle's "slander." (Good luck getting paid). However, he was forced to drop the lawsuit against Kristina and had to pay $28,000 for her court costs. I think that constitutes a LOSS in the GAY lawsuit for Mr. Cruise.

The sue-happy fun isn't over! A month after the Kyle incident, Tom laid down another $100 mil suit against Bold publisher Michael Davis who claimed to have in his possession a tape of Cruise engaging in "sexual acts" with an unnamed man. Again, faced with $100 million, Mr. Davis quickly changed his tune and said that "the videotape did not exist." MY MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL. Liberace:  definitely not gay

"The story was false," Mr Cruise's lawyer, Bert Fields, said. "He's not gay and the judge so ruled."

The judged "ruled." Classic.

I want to point out that Liberace also sued when reports were made that he was gay. Yep. Straight as an arrow.

Scientology: The Great Cure-All

Scientology is a wholly different can of worms. Yet another cult favored by the famous, Tom has been a practicing Scientologist since the 80's. He claims that it helped "cure" him of dyslexia. Maybe. More likely, Scientology "cured" him of his homo-tendencies. The Church of Scientology is based on science fiction author, L. Ron Hubbard's book, Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health. Scientologists believe that modern psychiatry is evil and that "drugs" are ruining today's society. The Church also believes you should give as much of your money to them as possible. The more rich and famous, the more they want to "help" you. Keeping in the spirit of L. Ron, Tom Cruise bashed Brooke Shields for taking medication for post-partum depression.) He claims to have helped "hundreds" of people get off drugs. WHY DIDN'T HE SAVE RIVER??? River Phoenix

We live in a world where people are on drugs forever. Where even children get drugged. Where crimes against humanity are so extreme that most people turn away in horror and dismay. Those are the things that I care about. I don't care what someone believes. I don't care what nationality they are. But if someone wants to get off drugs, I can help them. If someone wants to learn how to read, I can help them. If someone doesn't want to be a criminal anymore, I can give them tools that can better their life. You have no idea how many people want to know what Scientology is.

I take Wellbutrin, therefore I am a criminal. Help me, Tom Cruise! You're my only hope!

L. Ron's bible The Church of Scientology claims to be able to cure people of their "aberrations" that "cause" homosexuality. The E-meter is a device widely used throughout the religion to determine if someone is suppressing emotions. Mostly like a lie detector machine, one is hooked up and asked a series of questions meant to bring out their deepest and darkest secrets. THEY WILL FIND OUT ABOUT YOU. Homosexuals who wish to stay within the Church better find a quick cure, and fast. A mere mortal is no match for the E-meter. Cruise claims to have an open mind (I bet) about homosexuality, yet the Church lists it under the general categories of perversion, sadism and mental illness. Scientologists reject psychiatry and have their own rehabilitation programs; it's been said that certain individuals have eradicated the gay within through the healing powers of L. Ron's teachings. But I'm only repeating what I've heard.


Tom and Nicole Kidman rose to greater fame together. She was a nobody when they met on the 1990 set of Days of Thunder (again: you can't be gay and Nicole Kidman star in a manly man race car movie. What would the good ol' boys think if a goddam sumbitch queer's behind the wheel? It ruins all sense of their self worth). Wedding bells rang for the couple less than year after their first encounter. Rumors abounded that the Church of Scientology ordered the marriage, keen on establishing a royal Hollywood couple in the spirit of L. Ron. Others say it was a business arrangement. They divorced in 2001. The secrets she could share.

No way girlfriend.  Go on!

The Infamous Oprah Appearance

Finally, getting back to Katie Holmes and her proselytizing boyfriend. Despite the fact that he appeared on the May 24 Oprah show to plug his movie, he spent most of his time bouncing off the sofa like a chimp, pawing at Oprah and proclaiming his love for the "magnificent" Holmes. He beat the floor with his fists, waved his arms and leered toothily at the camera. Not to be outdone, he actually dragged the girl onstage to display her. A finer specimen was never seen. He pulled up her top lip so the audience could get a peek at her healthy pink gums.

About that medication...
If this were anyone else mauling the Queen of Talk, Oprah would have her security thugs out before you can say "shitty book club". But since it's Tom, everything's a laugh riot. For a moment, consider how truly bizarre this actually is. Imagine you've been in a relationship for two months. You're walking down the street with him/her thinking about maybe grabbing a bite of dinner when he/she decides to shimmy up a traffic light and rant about how much he/she is obsessed with you. (Remember this is after two months. Usually at this point, you're still trying not to fart in front of that person). Now imagine that this whole scene has been captured on live television in front of millions of viewers. Your parents are watching, that evil-bitch third grade teacher you hated, the check out clerk at Old Navy -- they're all taking it in.

Look at my new toy, Oprah! Apparently Katie feels differently:

I sat there and I was, like, I am the luckiest woman in the whole world. Thats how I feel. When I saw him I was, like, Tom, wheres the door? Oh, God, you know? I was excited, sure. Im going to come. When Tom calls for me, Im coming.

Edie Sedgwick It's rumored that she's already getting involved with the Scientology cult. The biggest angle attached to this is that Katie gave up a role as Edie Sedgwick in Factory Girl. One of Andy Warhol's muses, Edie was evidently a no-no in Tom's book because she was a pill addict. Katie's retort (obviously taken out of context from an entirely different topic...but who really cares):

The gossip? It's all good. Tom and I do need to discuss [marriage], and it makes me happy to talk about. I've always said that it was my dream to marry Tom Cruise. Sometimes dreams do come true. Am I going to have babies? Sure. I've always wanted to have children. And Tom's kids are wonderful. They're great human beings.


Mr. and Mrs. Robot In addition to her daily Scientology affirmations, Katie has been instructed to repeat this mantra every night before bed:


If Tom does "happen to be" straight, then why all the hullabaloo and lawsuits? I guess all the drama is the gay in him acting up again. But, for $100 million, I'll believe whatever he says if it helps him sleep at night.

Ok, I'm going to sit back and wait for the lawsuit.

Copyright 2024