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Picks for the Fantasy Cast of The Surreal Life 6
July 16, 2005
VH1 recently kicked off the 5th season of the landmark B-list celebrity reality series, The Surreal Life. A rip-off of sister network MTV's The Real World,
The Surreal Life is the true story of seven washed-up celebrities picked to live in a house so that the American public (and voyeuristic Euros
who never tire of our trashiness) can see what bottom feeders they've become. (Sometimes, for better or for worse, the
"celebrities" haven't been let in on the joke. As Da Brat so eloquently
put it to Jane Wiedlin of Go-Go's fame in a landmark Season 4 episode (and forgive me, I'm paraphrasing): "I ain't no has-been like you."
Hey Brat! Not cool! Jane participated in backstage coke and blow job parties with Belinda Carlisle -- you can't EVER take that away from her!).
I have tuned in periodically over the prior four seasons to see, in addition to Da Brat on the attack, Flava Flav and Brigitte Nielsen constantly
sucking tongue and having sex under the roving eye of the night-vision camera (Season 3), the beautiful brimming
hate borne between Vanilla Ice and Tammy Faye Messner (Season 2), Verne Troyer (aka Mini-me) climb
off his mini-me mini-bike and piss in the corner of the living room while Da Brat looks on (Season 4), New Kid On the Block (not anymore)
Jordan Knight, try not to look overtly gay (Season 3), Adrianne Curry, the first winner of America's Next Top Model try to hook up with
Peter Brady (Season 4) and Corey Feldman get married to Susie Sprague (Season 1).
Incidentally, as should have been the first priority of any self-respecting producer tasked to dream up this shit -- the other wayward Corey (Haim of course) was originally asked
to join his many-times-over co-star/needle-buddy on that first groundbreaking Season. Haim, being riddled with post-junkie fat and shattered dreams, failed
to see that an appearance on a Basic Cable reality show could not possibly make his already wallowsome life worse. Ouch. Sorry, Corey,
but is that gutter getting any greener? You may as well bite the bullet and make some quick cash off the glory years that are growing less
glorious by the minute. The phone calls inviting you to offer your punditry skills on Where Are They Now? or the E! True Hollywood Story
of former fiancee, Nicole Eggert, won't last forever. Soon, VH1, MTV and even E! will tire of 80's child stars. Then where will you turn?
The Surreal Life is going to sound pretty fucking good by then.
The quality (which is measured on a patent-pending Nostalgia Meter™) of the Season 5 cast is starting to reflect the reluctance "real" celebrities
have concerning the show. Yes, producers did score a slam dunk
with Balki from Perfect Strangers (Bronson Pinchot) -- but that hungry power bitch, Omarosa, from The Apprentice? Come on. She's not even worthy of a mention on the distant (but most likely in pre-production
as I write this) We love the 00's on VH1. Actual celebrities (Corey Haim notwithstanding) have grown wary by watching
their counterparts become the laughingstock of the office water cooler. Most have come to realize that fading silently and gracefully into
anonymity isn't all that bad.
In addition to Balki and Ms. Your Fired!, the other Season 5 castmates include Jose Canseco, who still bears the track marks of his
steroid abuse; Janice Dickinson (who needs to go away now); Sandy
Denton from Salt N' Pepa (the token female rapper); Carey (unfortunately not Corey) Hart, aka motocross racer and
Fiancé to Pink; and Caprice, "one of the world's
most photographed women." I'm sure there will be an entire episode devoted to what "America's First Supermodel" Janice Dickinson has to say about
Caprice's modeling skills. What would a season of The Surreal Life be without a catfight? Besides, Janice
hasn't shut her cock hole about her (former) supermodel status since coming out of the ether fog associated with her latest boob-nose-chin-lipo-botox-ass-implant-job
and reappearing on the public circuit. (Just as an aside: I love how Janice, honorary spokeswoman for the plastics industry, was a three-years-running judge on America' Next Top Model -- a
show which supposedly rewards the natural gifts of the contestants. America: the Great Paradox. All are welcome. Except for the uglies and the fatties --
do everything in your power to make sure you're not one of "them.")
That said, I probably won't have the pleasure of watching this season. Given that I've just started grad school and continue to slave
at a full-time jobby-job (which also serves as my disclaimer as to why I haven't been posting much...sorry), my free moments will probably
not be spent watching The Surreal Life 5. However, as VH1 births new casts with a frequency on par with two caged rabbits, I wanted to write an open letter to VH1 executives with suggestions for the next round of lucky B-listers.
So with drum roll and the proper amount of ado, I give you The Surreal Life Fantasy Cast -- Season 6!
Eric Nies
There has to be a cross-over from the real Real World. Eric Nies, best remembered from Season 1 of the MTV hit (New York)
went on to host MTV's The Grind. Based on this, he hosted The Grind Workout: Hip Hop Aerobics (1995),
The Grind Workout: Fat Burning Grooves (1997), The Grind: Fitness with Flava (1999). One funky fly girl
who got her groove on wrote the following review:
Pros: great music, like a dance class
Cons: Eric Nies
The key to enjoying this video: tune out Eric Nies.
This workout will elevate your heart rate in a hurry! These dance steps are so fun, you will easily forget how much you are
huffing and puffing. I really enjoy how this video is structured like a jazz/hip hop dance class with a warm up w/stretching,
choreographed routine, repetition of routine to exhaustion, and a cool-down w/stretching.
Eric Nies is not a great leader for this video as he is the most uncoordinated one in the group and says some pretty dumb
things in the video. Thankfully, the routine is designed by a different instructor that gives good advice on body positioning.
Remember: the ripple of Eric's abs indicates that there is a thought process going on in there somewhere. The Surreal Life 6 is a perfect place to
check in on Eric and see how much botox he's had.
Marc Price
Marc Price is best known as Skippy from Family Ties. Alex's friend in the early seasons, Skippy's character was eventually reduced to the neighbor who
would barge into the Keaton's kitchen and proceed to drool over the uninterested Mallory (Justine Bateman during the throes of anorexia). Even
Jennifer, Tina Yothers' character, held him in contempt.
Marc Price later appeared as the host of Teen Win, Lose, or Draw!. God, remember when this country was in the grip of Pictionary (and its bastardized
offspring)? Marc was right there in the center of it all, laughing all the way to the bank. I tried to sell Pictionary at a small tag sale we had
last summer. No one even picked up the box. (All the pieces are in there! You can have it for free! Please?)
Marc's most recent endeavor has been as a stand up comic. The Surreal Life could benefit from some comedic relief: me laughing at Skippy.
Maxine Jones
En Vogue's short n' sassy one who (sort of) rapped in My Lovin (Never Gonna Get It). What can I say -- we needed the black female rapper of diminutive stature.
Monica Lewinsky
She and Skippy would be naked before the rest of the cast mates even set foot in the house. Just a trail of semen-stained clothes leading to the
hot tub... Oh, the palpable sting of ageless ejaculation humor.
David Faustino
Who knew that Christina Applegate would be the one to rise above the rest of the cast of Married With Children? Why, if I had a quarter for
every time we watched her bend over slowly on the Bundy stairs in a short skirt...I'd be able to cure herpes. David Faustino was Bud Bundy, Kelly Bundy's
pervy, zit encrusted younger brother. Bud didn't really do much except harbor thinly guarded sexual desire for his sister. If he appears on The Surreal
Life, the first thing I'd want him to reveal is whether Ed O'Neill, who played Al, was ever caught sniffing his fingers.
Mindy Cohn
Place your bets now: 225? 250? 350? How much will the scales tip when Natalie weighs in? Find out on The Surreal Life 6! She could
be another crossover to do the whole VH1 circuit: Surreal Life today, Celebrity Fit Club, the show where fat celebs
attempt to trim down, tomorrow. Mindy can follow in the thundering footsteps of Biz Markie, Daniel Baldwin (yes of those Baldwins), the Snapple Lady and Liv
Tyler's plus-size sister. I predict that Eric Nies catches her eating right out of the jar of peanut butter. (I could have said that Skippy catches
her eating right out of the jar of Skippy...but that just makes things way too complicated. Their sit-coms ran parallel to each other -- isn't that kind
of like incest?)
Wild Card: One of the Culkins
Who's it gonna be? Macaulay? Kieran? Rory? One the lesser known sibs who can really dish the dirt without worrying about their career? Any takers?
Trust me, it will happen.
-lisa
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