The SweatpantsErection.com Guide to the 2004 Election
October 31, 2004
With a few scant days remaining before the American citizens vote for the next
President of these United States, it is more important than ever that the electorate
educate itself in the name of making a rational and informed decision. After all,
Peter Jennings needs something to discuss while the lawyers in DC select our next
Commander in Chief. We at SweatpantsErection.com understand just how difficult it can
be for the common man to find good information about the candidates and what they
stand for. Star Magazine and People just don't have the page real estate
to devote to such matters -- especially now that Mary-Kate has relapsed and Gwen Stefani
discovered that Gavin has a love child!
Fear not, gentle reader, we are here for you. We've taken it upon ourselves to tell you who is the more worthy
candidate. After months (hours) of back breaking research (reading a web site or two) and
countless heated debates (uh, got any wood?), we have determined
who, be it George W. Bush or John Kerry, will make the better leader of the free world.
You may ask what criterion was used to reach our conclusion. A fair question, with a simple
answer: which candidate has the better selection of B-List
celebrities in their camp? A-Listers be damned. Alec Baldwin needs to shut the hell up,
keep his word and move to France already. Lara Flynn Boyle? [insert lame ham sandwich joke
here] -- as if we'd let her choose our next President! No, sir! Anyone who's done
as much hard-nosed analysis of this election (drinking pints of Sierra Nevada) as
we have, knows that the real insight comes from the Bruce Boxleitners and Larry Hagmans
of the world; not Babs or The Terminator.
Since the B-Listers voicing their support for one candidate or the other are numerous and varied,
we've segmented them into three groups: Musicians, Thespians and Other. Each group is
judged against the opposition based on the merits of its member's accomplishments and
contributions to the entertainment world. The winner from each category will be awarded one
point, with the candidate possessing the most points at the contest's conclusion being given
SweatpantsErection.com's endorsement for President of the United States. Let the games begin!
Round 1 - The Musicians:
- Belinda Carlisle
- Amy Grant
- Chaka Khan
- Meat Loaf
- Yo-Yo Ma
- Barbra Mandrell
- Wayne Newton
- Ted Nugent
- Marie Osmond
- Gene Simmons
- Dee Snider
- Paul Stanley
- Connie Stevens
- Zakk Wylde
- Harry Belafonte
- Jon Bon Jovi
- Ani Defranco
- Neil Diamond
- Chrissie Hynde
- Rickie Lee Jones
- Al Jourgensen
- Maynard Keenan
- Carole King
- John Mellencamp
- Willie Nelson
- Linda Ronstatd
- Carlos Santana
- James Taylor
- Jethro Tull
Kerry scored some early points for Neil Diamond's raw sexuality and chest hair; he
appeared to be making a strong bid for victory with B-List counterculture icons from
the 60's through the 90's. Al Jourgensen's rampant drug abuse and Morrissey's band-aided
nipple also gained points for our Democratic candidate. Still, this rag-tag group just couldn't
stand up to Bush's juggernaut of rock and roll mayhem. Not even the negative points accrued
by the support of both Nickelback and Amy Grant could stop Bush's
bum rush. Alabama and Marie Osmond provided the a-little-bit-country set up
and Twisted Sister's Dee Snider, former Ozzy guitarist Zakk Wylde and all of
the memorable members of Kiss spiked home the little-bit-rock-n-roll victory.
Team Bush chanted "Chaka, Chaka, Chaka Khan. Let me rock you, that's
all I wanna do" in the spin room to celebrate their easy first round victory.
Our score after one round was Bush: 1, Kerry: 0.
Round 2 -- The Thespians:
- Mike Farrell
- Sandy Duncan
- Ed Asner
- Larry Hagman
- Whoopi Goldberg
- Jane Fonda
- Alyssa Milano
- Shirley MacLaine
- Lauren Hutton
- Eric Roberts
- Joy Behar
This proved to be a considerably closer competition. Mike Farrell of M.A.S.H.
and Joyce DeWitt of Three's Company fame both effectively represented their candidate's 70's sitcom
contingencies, canceling one another out. Kerry lost points early by
including self proclaimed "big loser" Whoopi Goldberg on his team, but Shirley MacLaine
saw it coming and enlisted perennial favorite and the most All-American one-eyed girl
of all time, Sandy Duncan, to even the score.
Bush responded strongly with Chuck Norris, Dyn-o-Mite Jimmie Walker and heart-throb cum
evangelist Kirk Cameron. Even the
unfortunate presence of stammering idiot Colin Quinn and hall-of-fame douche-bag Jean-Claude
Van Damme were countered effectively by enlisting the aid of definitive B-Lister Yakov Smirnoff.
Ultimately, though, Team Bush was unable to stop the irresistible force that is
Alyssa Milano, proving once and for all that Kerry is the boss when it comes to B-List
actors. Ms. Duncan supplied mad Wheat Thins that were eaten in Kerry's war-room
to celebrate the hard fought victory.
With one round to go, our score was a dead heat. Bush: 1, Kerry: 1.
Round 3 - Other:
- Ric Flair
- Don King
- Joan Rivers
- The Ultimate Warrior
- Sandra Bernhard
- Al Sharpton
- Al Franken
- Jerry Springer
Bush appeared to take the second round loss personally and came out with six shooters a'blazing
in our third and final round. Kerry's pair of Als and a bitchy lesbian appeared to be no match
for our incumbent's full house of WWF mayhem. Jerry Springer's simian body guard, Steve, made an unexpected
appearance, jumping into the ring and hitting Ric Flair with a chair just as Flair was pinning Al
Franken. Steve paid for his interference, however, finding himself on the receiving end of a
Joan Rivers Camel Clutch. The Ultimate Warrior seized the opportunity and pinned Al Shapton, going
for the three count.
This looks like certain victory for Team Bush...
What's this?!? Who is that!? Who's that jumping into the ring?!?
Unbelievable! It's Dinner for Five host and all around pompous ass,
Jon Favreau!! I cannot believe this! He's wearing a Bush/Cheney shirt! What
is he doing here?!? This is absolute pandemonium!!!
The referee is waving his hands in the air! Oh my sweet Jesus on a stem cell! He's
disqualified Team Bush for including such a puffed up ass clown on their roster!
I've never seen anything like this in all my years of political analysis! This
is simply incredible!
That's it!!! John Kerry wins!!! John Kerry wins the coveted SweatpantsErection.com endorsement for
President of the United States in a stunner! It looks like Bush's Coalition of the
Willing should have been a little less willing to include overfed, arrogant, pretentious
assholes...stick a fork in this douche, he's cooked!