Miss SweatpantsErection 2004

Good evening and welcome to the first annual Miss SweatpantsErection Beauty & Talent Pageant! I'm your host Tempest Bledsoe. Remember how good I was on The Cosby Show? I sure hope so because I'm very desperate for work these days. If you know of something, anything, please call me...I'll give you my cell number after this thing is over... (pause) Um, right, so my co-host for tonight's competition is remembered as being the youngest member of New Edition and, since Whitney hasn't divorced him yet, he's still the other half of one of Hollywood's premier Power Couples. I'm pleased to have with me, the always charming and impeccable, Bobby Brown!

Bobby: 'Sup Tempest. I never heard about no Cosby Show, but I thought your talk show was off the hook! Tonight one lucky lady will take home the grand prize for being the most beautiful and talented woman to appear on the SweatpantsErection.com website. But before we bring out the hotties, this card says that we're s'post to introduce our celebrity judges.

Tempest: She is best known for the 80s hit Bette Davis Eyes. Give it up for Kim Carnes!

Bobby: Didn't she do that song about Kids in America or somethin? I really dig that groove.

Tempest: No...that was Kim Wilde. Just stick to what the card tells you say.

Bobby: Damn girl! No need to be a bitch about it.

Tempest: Next we have one of the hardest working "executives" in this business we call show....the dog on the Rick Springfield album covers!

Bobby: Wait..a fucking dog? What the hell is dis shit?

Tempest: Shut up.

Tempest: Last, but absolutely not least, our contestants must prove themselves before the exacting eyes of Carly Simon's Nipples.

Bobby: Damn...

Tempest: Let's give all our judges a big round of applause for being here -- especially since they aren't getting paid. Neither am I for that matter...and I'm very hungry. I'd always thought only people on shipwrecks and such got scurvy. I'm living proof that this isn't the case.

Tempest: Our first contestant certainly knows how to make an entrance. I can't quite make out who it is...

Bobby: She got a nice ass.

Tempest: Oh of course! Please give a big hand for Richard Simmons!

Bobby: You mean that's a dude?

Tempest: We had to let him compete or else he was going to bring a sexual discrimination charge against the organization.

Tempest: He certainly is flexible. I guess you don't sell a million videos to fat housewives for nothing.

Bobby: Get off the stage, you fucking homo!

Tempest: Shut up! I don't think I need to remind you that you're under contract.

Tempest: Here comes Cali Barbie who hails from Malibu. She's definitely a favorite in this competition, what with her excellent work in He-Man & the Masters of the Rainbow. She plays such a convincing villain.

Bobby: Yeah, nice tits too. Work it, girl!

Tempest: This contestant is interesting in that we don't actually know her real name. The rules for the Pageant require the participation of four women and we only had three registered. We managed to get this one in the nick of time. I think they found her sleeping in the alley behind the studio. She says her girlfriend calls her "Sarge."

Bobby: Look at all that nappy ass hair. You said she sleeps on the street? I wonder if she got any base on her...

Tempest: Your contract states that you must have no drugs for three hours.

Tempest: Our final contestant was also a late entry. I'm trying to find the card that has her information...

Bobby: She look cute so far. She also look kinda familiar...

Tempest: Contestant Number Four -- take off your hat so the judges can see your pretty face and eyes.

Tempest: Move your arms out of the way, dear. No need to be shy.

Bobby: Yeah, girl, let's see it.

Bobby: Oh, HELL NO! You get yer ass off that stage before I come up there and whup it.

Tempest: Ladies and gentlemen, our final contestant is none other than Whitney Houston, Mrs. Bobby Brown herself. And she appears to be somewhat visually impaired.

Whitney: Bobby, until I see some child support, you got no say over what I do.

Bobby: Don't test me. You know I ain lyin.

Tempest: Um, well now that we've met all our contestants, let's move on to the Talent Portion of the show...quickly.

Tempest: Here we have Cali Barbie performing her mesmerizing mermaid routine to the soothing sounds of Enya. In an interview earlier this week, she told me that she's spent over 300 hours perfecting this underwater ballet sequence. This is especially impressive as she's had to overcome the challenge of being born with only two toes per foot.

Tempest: Isn't she lovely, Bobby?

Bobby: I'll show that goddamn bitch who's in charge...

Tempest: HEY!

Bobby: Wha? Oh, yeah, hot. Nice tits.

Tempest: Richard Simmon's talent, as might be expected, stems from his toehold in the fitness industry. He's chosen to dazzle us with a few yoga poses. He also seems to be endorsing Pizza Hut. At least someone is getting some money out of this.

Bobby: What the hell is that?

Tempest: Mr. Simmons is demonstrating his prowess with the Triangle Pose. I can see Carly Simon's Nipples nodding in approval over at the Judges' Table.

Bobby: Did he have hormones or some shit? Even though I think I'm going to be sick, I have to say that she...I mean...he's...got a nice rack. Fuckin' queer ass homo. Get off the stage!

Tempest: I have to say that this is definitely a unique "talent." Sarge has come to the stage carrying what appears to be an enormous hotdog. I don't think I've ever seen one that big before.

Bobby: That is one freaky ho.

Tempest: For once, I'd have to agree with you.

Bobby: Damn.

Tempest: Here's Whitney to perform her number one smash I Wanna Dance with Somebody. Her flirty party dress harkens back to the more innocent days before she married you.

Bobby: Someone dance with the bitch so she can shut the fuck up.

Bobby: Girl, you ain no Donna! Never was, never will be.

Whitney: After this I'm going to take the kids to Israel and you'll never see me or them again.

Bobby: Bitch, my kids are my prerogative. You takin my kids nowhere.

Tempest: Heh, heh. Um, how bout if you guys talk about this on the car ride home? I'm trying to get some work out of this gig and you're not making it very easy.

Bobby: That's it bitch. You so dead.

Tempest: Well, Bobby just ran at the stage and hauled his wife off. I'm not sure if I should feel happy for myself or bad for her. Either way, the show must go on -- here comes the Swimsuit Competition!

Tempest: Miss Cali Barbie is a vision in faux grass and pink. She makes it all look so easy. I sort of regret eating that entire variety pack of Krispy Kremes earlier today. God, I hate myself.

Tempest: Ms., I mean, Mr. Simmons has chosen an athletic sheer-sleeved malliot for his swimsuit round. As I said before, he certainly is flexible. What benefit this will bring to his standing with the judges is entirely up to them.

Tempest: I'll speak for Bobby in saying that Mr. Simmons does have a lovely bustline.

Tempest: Apparently no one told Ms. "Sarge" that this was intended to be a dry bathing suit event. She has taken the liberty to, er, moisten her suit. The dahlia in her hair is a nice touch though. I know that the Rick Springfield Dog always gives higher points for women who know how to accessorize well. Also, I see again that Carly Simon's Nipples are giving two thumbs up for this look. Despite her darkhorse status, the judges do seem to have taken a shine to her.

Tempest: I was just informed that Whitney and Bobby are nowhere to be found in the building. We have no choice but to forego her participation in the Swimsuit Round and go directly to the Evening Gown Competition. This will be our final round and I must say that I really have no idea who will win. It's still anyone's game.

Leading off this event is the ravishing and devastatingly sexy Cali Barbie. I could just lick all the way up starting at her ankle. I'm starting to think that I might be a lesbian.

Tempest: Second up in the Evening Gown Competition is Richard Simmons. This can only be described as a garment fit for a "queen." He told me earlier in the week that the jewel at his waist is a 15-carat diamond and aquamarine brooch once worn by Princess Diana. His Sweatin' to the Oldies empire knows no limits. Made of brocade silk from 17^th century China, Mr. Simmons' floor length gown is absolutely stunning.

Tempest: The woman known only to us as "Sarge" has become somewhat of a darling with the judges. However between the Swimsuit and Evening Gown Round, she apparently sold the top half of her evening wear ensemble for some crystal meth. I hope that the electrical tape that keeps her (barely) "decent" would deter even Carly Simon's Nipples from giving Sarge extra points.

Since we haven't seen Ms. Houston since the, uh, spat with her husband during the Talent Competition, we will have to crown our Miss SweatpantsErection 2004 from these three final contenders... Wait! Kim Carnes is frantically waving from the Judges' Table.

Tempest: Whitney is back in the game! However, it doesn't look like she made it away from Bobby unscathed. No one ever said she wasn't a fighter. The way she just stumbled out on stage makes me think she might be permanently blinded. Whatever the case, she looks gorgeous from the neck down in a daring yellow pantsuit by Donna Karan. The diamonds she's wearing at the throat and waist are reportedly gifts from Bobby. This is going to be a close decision. Our judges have their work cut out for them.

Tempest: It's time now for the final look at our contenders.

Will it be Cali Barbie, the woman I may leave my boyfriend for?

Tempest: Richard Simmons, dressed in royal blue queenly silk?

Tempest: Sarge, the rebel darkhorse?

Tempest: Or will it be Whitney Houston, a woman who has survived despite the odds?

Actually, forget it. They just took her pulse and have pronounced her dead at the scene. Can someone get a stretcher or something?

Tempest: Upon being crowned, Miss SweatpantsErection 2004 will receive the dress worn by Whitney Houston during the Talent round of the competition. Since there was only a meager amount of money set aside for the grand prize, we figure that the lucky lady will be able to get more cash by selling Whitney's dress on eBay. The prize money that we managed to raise can go toward the dry cleaning bill. You'll want to get the sweat stains out before you try to sell it.

Tempest: And the winner is...

Tempest: RICHARD SIMMONS!

Despite his handicap of having a penis, it turns out the judges were most impressed with his sense of style, his pep and energy and his unstoppable optimism. Here is your new Miss SweatpantsErection 2004!

Tempest: I'd like to thank everyone in the audience for tuning in. If you're curious about what happened to my co-host, Mr. Bobby Brown, he has been arrested and charged with the murder of his wife, Whitney Houston. Such a tragedy. Maybe I could star as Whitney in a Lifetime Television Movie of the Week that tells the sad story of their fame and love lost. Anyone, anyone?

On behalf of everyone here, I want to wish Mr. Simmons a hearty congratulations on his new title as Miss SweatpantsErection 2004. Also, big thanks goes out to all our participants and judges. Sorry I've got to rush out of here, but I've got to catch up with Cali Barbie before it's too late. I'm Tempest Bledsoe -- good night! And call me!