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SweatpantsErection.com Douche-Bag of the Moment

Stavros Niarchos III

November 29, 2005

Celebrity-land is full of engaging personalities, glamorous lifestyles and enormous talents of all shapes and sizes. It also happens to be populated by some of the most jaw dropping, gape inducing douche-bags on the planet. If you've been paying attention at all, dear reader, you already know that we here at SweatpantsErection.com prefer writing about the latter to the former.

As such, we're introducing a new, semi-regular column which will focus on these celluloid nightmares and pay tribute to their neverending stream of very public poor taste and astonishingly bad decisions: The SweatpantsErection.com Douche-Bag of the Moment.

With so many ripe items to choose from during the latter half of 2005, the decision as to who would be our inaugural winner was a difficult one. Even after removing TomKat and their unborn hellspawn from the running, the possibilities Chris Klein and Katie Holmes.  Sick, I tell you, sick. were overwhelming.

Would it be Ashlee Simpson, who's been called "stupid" by older sister (and Mensa candidate) Jessica for almost burning the house down while making popcorn and who was recently video taped drunk and beligerent in a Canadian McDonalds, refusing to give a fan a photograph because they wouldn't kiss her feet?

Or maybe Katie Holme's ex and self-proclaimed "alpha-heterosexual" Chris Klein would rise to the top for his recent this-guy-can't-HONESTLY-believe-what-he's-saying-quote filled interview with Elle? Conspiracy theorists should be watching Mr. Klein's bank account for deposits from Tom Cruise or the Church of Scientology after that one.

Also among the top hopefuls was perrenial contender, Kevin Federline, or K-Fed, Kevin Federline: Father and world class douche. whose hip-hop aspirations were recently dashed when a copy of his "rap" song "Ya'll Ain't Ready" was leaked to the internet. Let's just say that, in addition to being such a gigantic douche-bag that he can't even win a douche-bag contest, K-Fed has about as much rhythm as he does class...and I haven't even mentioned the corn-rows yet. Dayum. Vanilla Ice is laughing himself to sleep somewhere, I'm sure.

No sir, one individual so personified feminine hygeine products in recent months that he rose head and shoulders above the competition. I present to you the first ever SweatpantsErection.com Douche-Bag of the Moment:

Stavros Niarchos III

Who is he?

In case you've been living under a rock, Stavros is another in what promises to be a long and storied line of Greek shipping heirs and Paris Hilton boy-toys. From a family worth an estimated $7.5 billion, the 20 year old USC film student and "professional Kite Surfer" (WTF does that even mean?) first came into public view during a five month relationship with the ever-svelt Mary-Kate Olsen of Full House fame.

Stavros Niarchos III: The man, the myth, the douche. After rampant rumors of infidelity, Stavros was photographed molesting a very willing Paris Hilton on a Mexican beach just weeks after her split from Greek shipping heir and financé, Paris Latsis. The newly outted couple was rumored to have taken their affections at a T-Mobile party to the more private setting of a Porta-Potty just days prior. I don't know about you, but I know nothing gets my motor running like open sewage. Purrrrrrrrr...

Stavros is a True Humanitarian

According to Us Weekly, just a few days later, our main man spent his evening clubbing with L.A.'s elite at Element club. As the night wore on, hunger set in and he did what any billionarre would do in that situation: he headed to Burger King. After ordering, Stavros noticed a homeless man outside of the restaurant. Being a philanthropist through and through, our hero offered the down-on-his-luck gentleman $100...if he would pour a soda on himself. Choosing humiliation over hunger, the poor man obliged and took the money. Billionairre Stavros and his crew had a hearty laugh in the man's face. Stories like this can't help but warm the heart and renew my faith in humanity.

Stavros Has a Publicist?

Days later (are you sensing a theme here?), Stavros was again partying at Element, this time with Stavros Niarchos III: Hot except for the smell of evil Paris, Laguna Beach star and douche-in-training Talan Torriero and Rod Stewart's daughter, Kimberly. At around 2:30AM, the couples (Kimberly and Talan recently announced their engagement and then (days later) unannounced it) decided it was time to leave. Stavros, at the wheel of Paris' $170,000 Bentley (such a gentleman, driving the ladies home), covered his face with his coat and hit the gas, propelling them into a parked truck and doing visible damage to the car.

Then, as any reasonable person would, he turned the car toward the exit and gunned it, nearly mowing down a bystander for good measure. After speeding off, the partiers were pulled over by police who let them continue on their merry way without so much as a field sobriety test -- but only after Thalan, who had been in the backseat the whole time, proclaimed to them "I'm the only sober one," and Paris blew them a kiss saying "We love the police."

Now, you're probably asking yourself "how does he know all of this?" A fair question, and one I happen to have an answer to: the entire affair was caught on video tape.

The topper? This quote comes from a photographer at the scene:
I blame his stupid publicist for this wreck, he told Stavros to keep his face covered as he was driving away, and then, we all know what happened.
This douchebag, who has no claim to fame other than schtupping a spermrag heiress and having a rich daddy, has a publicist? Jesus. Next thing you know, Kevin Federline will have a hair stylist.

Stavros Loves Pillow Fights!

Some time later (let's say "days," shall we?), Mr. Niarchos was invited to Kelly Osbourne's 21st birthday extravaganza. Lest he be upstaged for publicity (and why, exactly does a Greek shipping heir need publicity? For his publicist? Oh, never bother.), Stavros decided it was time to cause $100,000+ worth Stavros Niarchos III: Button your fucking shirt, you douche. of damage to the Las Vegas hotel that was hosting the party.

It all apparently stemmed from a pillow fight gone wrong; a pillow fight that led to sprinkler systems being set off, waterlogged rooms (boy, I'll bet the non-billionairre clientelle were pleased to find their spare boxers soaked), fire alarms and hotel evacuations. Now, rock stars have been doing this for years. Decades, even. What gets me is not the hotel wrecking, so much as the following: Our pro(?)tagonist's bodyguards were heard telling angry hotel employees "Why are you so upset? It's all going to be paid for," followed by numerous sightings of Mister Congentiality himself calling daddy to ask permission to charge a credit card for the six figure damage.

Let's put it this way: Even Paris, she-who-is-not-bothered-by-a-video-of-Brenda-Walsh's-boyfriend-juicing-her-breasts-in-night-vision, was offended. She was quoted as saying "I don't want (the hotel) to think I bring in people who do this stuff."

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner. The man so douche friendly that he runs a $170k car into a parked truck...the man so in tune with douchedom that he flaunts his riches to humiliate the homeless...the "man" so vinegar flavored that he embarrasses even the heiress named Paris:

Stavros Niarchos III is the SweatpantsErection.com Douche-Bag of the Moment


PS: Navros, I hate you. May you die in a horrible Burger Kinger sponsored Surf-Kiting accident involving broken glass.
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